Wednesday, May 16, 2012

These people...

You know those "friends" that only seem to want to do something when it's what they want to do or if they need you for something? Yes, as of late I've been weeding through this brand of douchebag. There is one in particular who stands out. He used to be my roommate, but now he's just a fucking douche that only seems to want to hang out if he hears through the grapevine I'm doing something he is interested in. It's hard to imagine that one of my "best friends" never invites me to any concerts or anything. If it comes to me helping him with his job then he calls me every single day asking me when I'm available... weird? Another brand of "friend" is the one that has become a total slut. One girl in particular stands out. She is nice, but a complete skank and I have even come up with sex acts honoring her widely spread legs. She enjoys likes to fuck black dudes, Mexicans and the occasional white guy. Right now her penis of choice is Mexican. She used to be very innocent, but now she does all kinds of sick shit like taking it up the ass. Since she has pissed me off lately me and another one of my friends came up with the "Mexican Vacation". What is this Mexican vacation you ask? So glad you asked. It involves a Mexican using the ingredients of Chipotle to pour in your asshole... after that he enters the ass with his dick, he sleeps in that position over night and the next morning he consumes what was in her asshole for breakfast. Then there is this acquaintance that you know from several years ago who is married and a huge fat bitch to all your friends in another city. She just ruins everyone's good time by being the biggest (literally) bitch ever. She hasn't talked to you in years and suddenly texts you for being friends with someone she doesn't like? Bitch, I don't care. I don't care if you don't like my friends because they have fucking replaced your repulsive ass. I also don't give a shit that they think you're disgusting because it is a fact. Remember when you used to look decent? Yeah that was like 10 years ago and the signs of a future diagnosis of rhinoitis were apparent then as well. I feel like you can eat 5 times more than me by now. You're the kind of person that thinks they can suddenly show up again and be cool. Well you're not, in fact you are fucking disgusting and the mere thought of you induces vomiting. Next... There is also the friend that you feel bad for because they got dumped by a guy that looked like a bulimic Brett Michaels. I've never met the guy, but he dated my friend for 5 months and never had sex with her... Fag? The poor girl was throwing herself at him like basically saying for the love of God fuck me. She even went so far that she was like "I wish I dated a guy that likes to penetrate girls". I thought this was supposed to be the other way around? What a complete douche.

Monday, January 30, 2012

The Re-hydration Theory

I know a kid that smells awful. I would rather do lines of mulch then smell him. Ass smell wouldn't give his odor justice. His friend who lived with him for a year told several sources he would fake shower. So, he goes into the bathroom, turns on the water and comes out completely dry. One day I went to help move a mutual friend of ours. This kid was wearing white gym shorts... yes, it was the middle of summer and very hot. Naturally anyone moving heavy furniture is going to smell some, but this was unbearable. You're moving a couch with him and it was like you were huffing asshole, dead skunk, sewage and nuclear waste. In fact I had to move three items in a row with him. I was at my breaking point. I faked injury to avoid moving any more stuff with him. While I was sitting down for a bit he walked by and I noticed his shorts had a huge spot on them. A brown spot... thus the re-hydration theory was born. It was as if his swamp ass had revived old crusty shit in his ass crack, re-hydrating the shit and giving off the most pungent smell I have ever come across in my lifetime. I don't know how anyone can smell this bad. It gets worse though... after the move was completed we were all resting and he had the audacity to tell the group about all the pussy he was getting. It's like okay bro, sure. Every story seems to be the same too. "Yeah I was out at the bar and I looked over saw this girl she was an 11 out of 10 aaannnndd I fucked her." So you're sitting there like okay how was it? There were never any details, just "I fucked her"... I'm sorry there is nobody on this planet that would fuck this kid with his awful zits pussing, horrible ass smell, and brown feet that were also repulsive in every way imaginable. It is in my opinion that even a hooker would turn him down. Hands down worst smell ever.