Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Michael Vick Returns

I don't know about you, but isn't Cleveland the best place for Michael Vick to come back to? The Dawg Pound.. it's perfect for him. 73,200 fans all barking at him in Cleveland Browns Stadium. What could be a better scenario? The box seats would be turned into "cage seats" and the most violent fans would sit in the end zone dressed as dogs and try to kill each other during the games. These fans would obviously be known as the Dawg Fighters. It would be the perfect environment for him. When he comes back to the NFL their will be riots and demonstrations by PETA and other organizations.. I honestly can' wait. Vick is grounded for 2 months currently in his mansion.. harsh? Remember when the case broke out and he said he found Jesus and like a few days later he was busted for weed? Yeah.. Vick is an idiot. He ranks among Pacman and the original criminal, Ray Lewis (he got away with murder). I really hope Cleveland considers, if not.. well I would love to see Vick play a game in the Dawg Pound.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Through the Mist

Being the only normal one in a household filled with creepers and the wickedly strange I spend my life in constant fear. I am Misty, house dog of the K-Ylenfeets.If there was a way to kill myself it would have been done by now. I have tried to escape countless times, but the defense system installed by Mr. K-Ylenfeet is impenetrable. I am in dire need of the memory eraser from Men in Black because of the things I have witnessed in Fort K-Ylenfeet. I wake to Mr. K-Ylen waking up at 5 a.m. for his marathon jog around the neighborhood. I see him out the window he often runs backwards and waves at cars going by creeping them out. He also is wearing a headband and high white socks. It's fucking irritating nobody wants to see this in the morning and it's not something I want to wake up to. Mr. wakes me every morning with the same phrase: "it's time". It scares the shit out of me. I go into the study only to find all the family portraits looking at me, one has them dressed in German outfits? Oh my God. The clock ticks through the morning and the Kool-Aid is made by Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great bright and early to better the taste for later. They love Kool-Aid in the household and rate how well each family member makes it. Is there some sort of prize? I'm not sure.. Sir showers and applies his steak marinade as a cologne. Within the hour, Sir brings one of his fat hoes over to watch a movie and be excessively creepy. He takes her to the basement. Throwing in a movie where there is nudity so he can yell out like he hasn't seen boobs before is a common interest of Sir K-Ylen: "UUHHHIIIGGGGHHH". I walk down to the basement and sure enough I see a bunch of fat rolls barreling out in ever direction with Sir yelling out "oh yeah", "that's fuckin' right", "feet", "steak" and "A1 Sauce". It sounds like she's going to break the couch and the sight is disgusting, I flee. Minutes later she walks up the stairs with a red, sweaty face. I throw up for the third time of the day. The Falcon cleans it and I spend television time with Grandma until she passes out watching Soap Operas. The Falcon and Mr. are off to watch a marriage counseling tape done by a pastor. I don't understand how they are so creepy with all this? I walk into the next room only to be disgusted by Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great whacking it to foot porn. I also can't help, but notice the bitch in the video is huge.. in fact she's well over 300 lbs.. God I am scared for life. I guess the fat hoe before didn't satisfy his foot urges? I dart into the bathroom as a means of immediate safety.. wrong, Sir left his industrial sized tube of foot lube out. I scamper to the basement where we find an arts and crafts session taking place. The spoiled one is writing poetry for her loser boyfriend that everyone in the family hates, I think he's gay.. whatever. I hear a noise from behind me. WOOF! Mr. from out of the shadows in war paint in a ninja costume, he has me. Terrified I try to scramble away, but it is no use. Mr. has me and this is his idea of "play", my heart races and finally I pull away from his grasp. When will it end? I hear a bunch of laughs.. God I hate them. I thought the worst had passed.. wrong, the Falcon and Mr. are getting the grill ready.. my biggest fear possibly of all, steak night. I don't want to know what goes into the secret family marinade I hate seeing them feast. It is a sickening sight there is a cult like chant that leads them to the table "Sttt-eak, sttt-eak, sttt-eak, sttt-eak, sttt-eak, sttt-eak..." it grows louder each chant becoming harder to understand due to the amount of drool accumulating. Mr. brings out the steak and sets it on the table in a platinum dish while Sir follows him with the A1 sauce hoisted high in the air. The spoiled one brings the pitcher of Kool-Aid and fills the glasses. They sit pray and what happens next is too graphic to describe. I flee in a mad panic. I wait it out in a corner in the basement, but even that place isn't safe. I've been attacked countless times here by Mr. K-Ylen, I've walked in on Sir K-Ylen mid plow on some sloppy fat hoes and I'm surrounded by family pictures down here staring at me. I'm waiting for them to come alive and kill me. I hear noises in the fort that startle me, I never sleep. I'm hoping the spoiled one doesn't come down with her boyfriend and watch Legally Blonde or something stupid... Alas she walks down with him while I hear the Sir arguing over who's steak was better, please fucking let it go. Nightfall will be coming soon.. fuck. Nothing is more frightening than a night at the fort in pitch black and Mr. holding it down. I've seen him come down for a glass of water in the middle of the night in strange outfits for role play with the Falcon including: Space Ghost, an Umpa Lumpa, Tarzan and Vanilla Ice. Nothing was more scaring than me walking in on Mr. swinging from the top of the ledge in his room down onto his bed onto Mrs. while he was wearing a Jolly Green Giant outfit.I head into Sir's room and find him on Facebook chat creeping on fat girls pictures and talking to multiple plus sized women or girls his friends are talking with.. figures. What's that? Limewire downloads in the corner.. Mom porn? What the fuck? I hear Mr. and the Falcon in their room.. A sound of a trumpet followed by clucking and what sounds to be a Hitler speech blaring? WOOF! Mr. opens the door in a mad furry. He's wearing an SS uniform and yells at me in German. What the fuck? He slams the door. I live in fear. Seconds later Mr. emerges from the room in regular clothes and walks down stairs where he turns on the television. Suddenly out of nowhere a stage and smoke appear as Mr. starts playing guitar hero on expert.This must be part of his training for something. I'm not sure how it helps him, but he feeds off it. Mr. grows stronger from guitar hero. The smoke is too heavy for me to breathe now I have to get out of here. All I hear is "Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen blaring... Fuck. I sprint to the basement and the door slams behind me. [The music stops.. lock] Oh my God. The end times...

-A tribute to Testaverde

Shit's Weak

One of the greatest lines ever brought about by the movie Grandma's Boy. The movie is a genuine classic in my opinion and it has helped me notice this very theme: "shit's weak". Recently many things seem to fall under that category of being extremely weak. It baffles the mind in some instances from people like my landlord who won't fix our fucking dryer and suck at life, to people I haven't talked to in forever randomly blocking me on Facebook because I'm friends with her boyfriend. She blocked her boyfriend too? Who does that? Like really that is so fucking weak and it's like I really didn't care for you before, but now I have formed a complete opinion about you. I just deleted you to finish the job for you.. no worries "bye bye, great success". Seriously what is your beef? You have none. What else? These weak ass papers I have to write every week for class. I think I'm getting dumber from writing them. They bring nothing to the table, I learn nothing from them and it's just a waste of time... So as I sit here and wait for a pair of clean boxers to dry after paying in quarters for it to dry and it failed to do so, it makes me wonder.. how weak is that shit?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Maxim Magazine

Let me start out with saying, what the fuck? You have your "Hot 100" every year now, but this stood out to me. #93WOW! Seriously, please tell me, how many guys get off to Michelle Obama? I HOPE that you CHANGE where you draw your eyebrows on next time because they are a little high up don't you think? You manage to be surprised and angry at the same time.. with a smile? Get a new gay guy to do them for you or something. I'm sure plenty of fags are running around the White House if not just wait till the next gay pride march or something. I feel bad for the girls that finished behind her.. like God I wouldn't know what to do. Good news though people, I think we may have found someone with a larger forehead than Rihanna only we have secret service and protecting the First Forehead from Chris Brown. Chris Brown doesn't know what kind of forehead he's up against this time. Regardless, I'm disappointed in the "Hot 100" if you are going to have the exceptions to the rule then don't call it the "Hot 100" call it like the "Hot 95 and 5 ugly bitches we were paid to throw in". The commentary next to Michelle Obama's picture was also sickening...
"He may be dealing with two wars, an economic meltdown, and a rapidly graying dome, but at least our Commander in Chief gets to come home to the hottest First Lady in the history of these United States. (Sorry, Martha Washington!)"
I want to throw the fuck up. Whoever wrote/approved that must be a balls deep homo. Instead it should say our Commander in Chief gets to come home to a fucking Klingon. Yes, I see Michelle Obama enough on the Burger King commercials. I could of put up Lieutenant Worf's picture okay so I'm not trying to be complete dick. Moving on, it's amazing to me that Maxim couldn't find anyone else to take the spot, I didn't really look at the rest of the list after seeing this, but I'm sure there are some iffy hoes on there. I could find plenty of girls that look better than fucking Michelle Obama. It seems the Maxim Hot 100 is no longer a prized achievement, but merely whoever they really feel like putting on their regardless if they are "hot".

Most Painful Piercings

The most painful piercings have not encountered this bitch I know. Her voice is awful.. It sounds like Donald Duck on helium mixed with constant facial expressions from the audience of Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader. She prances around like she is galloping on a pony in one of Dora the Explorers scavenger hunts or some shit. Can you find the zipper? No, but I wish there was one on your fucking mouth you dumb cunt.. It's just like can someone please duck tape this bitches mouth shut. The guy from the Finally Fast Dot Com commercial is even bitching about her... I'm going to be somewhat generous and leave her Bermuda Triangle pussy out of this. She shows up and ruins my time just by being there. The majority agrees with me, but God forbid if you say something there are too many people that would be affected. She is best friends with one of my friends girlfriends otherwise it would be simple.. I still have a hard time biting the tongue especially when intoxicated. Nothing is worse than card games with her however.. they should just hand people a shovel with the deck of cards if she is going to be around as well as a measuring tape to measure 6 feet down (if you make it that far). It's like Ty Penninngton and Jessica Simpson reproduced and spawned this creature that roams among us today. Fuck!.. FUCK! If she was the last bitch on Earth mankind would be in jeopardy. I need to come up with some sort of spray repellent, kind of like OFF!.. for irritating bitches.

The Wall Street Journal

Most likely everyone has gone through a traumatic experience in their lifetime. I suffer from more mild traumatic events daily. There are few things in the world more important than toilet paper, lets be honest. If you go to someones house and they have shitty t.p. you judge them, well I do. I appreciate a home equipt with quality t.p. because I myself pride myself on the same. When I first moved into my house I bought 12 Angel Soft rolls and kept them by my prized shitter... Mistake. When I left for Boston I returned only to find out midshit I was going to have to improvise on what to wipe my ass with. Now nothing is worse than sitting there contemplating your moves or lack there of with shit all over your ass. The list usually begins with who is home.. of course nobody, nearest t.p. supply? (I don't know I just moved in), nearest paper towel or napkin supply (don't act like you haven't thought of these before you fucks I know you've done it), and lastly ShamWow? The only thing I could think of was killing whoever took all 12 rolls and what to use on my ass. Sadly I had spotted what I was going to use.. fucking newspaper, yes, great I was going to ink my ass up literally. Of course it had to be a good newspaper too, possibly the best out there, The Wall Street Journal. I would of loved to have wiped my ass with the Columbus Dispatch or the shitty Ohio State paper, "The Lantern". I would have been fine defacing those, but it never works out that way. What are people going to do in the future when the papers are all online? Anyways.. I'm glad my roommate orders The Wall Street Journal, who knows I might get it myself now.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Ahoy A Carrot

Society constantly tells us what is supposed to be attractive, this includes being tan. Alright that's fine, but there is a line people. If you are one of those bitches that goes out and cooks yourself everyday and you happen to look like a lobster please stop. Nothing is worse than the smell of a tanning bed.. sweat, human flesh being roasted, and lotion.. yum. If you smell like this outside of the tanning bed it is awful, go shower. After years of tanning it will catch up to you and you either die of skin cancer or have leathery skin like a pigs ass. As you may know there is always something worse though.. yes, the spray tan. It looks like one of the guys from the Blue Man group jumped in the wrong fucking paint. Seriously only a vegetarian would think about fucking a giant carrot. If you're a guy and you go tanning, someone has probably already told you you're a queer... because you are. I've heard of black people that go tanning, why? Anyways, ladies please let up on the tanning if you are close to looking Mexican you're probably overdoing it and it looks terrible. You are wasting your money for something that isn't that important. If you are good looking you will be noticed no matter how tan you are.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Do you know someone that is so obsessed with something they ruin it for you? This person in my case is Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great. He loves steak. It is fucking disgusting, in fact I will probably never eat steak ever again. He has ruined it for me and others he is friends with regardless if he is aware of it or not. When he says it his mouth fills with saliva and he spits it and it's fucking irritating. Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great always says "fuckin' steak" as well which is twice as irritating, followed usually by "that's fuckin' right" or "boom baby". He uses these lines because he thinks he is cool or something for ordering steak or some shit? I don't know? If you can explain it to me please by all means be my guest. In my previous blog about the Sir I mentioned his possible foot fetish. There is a belief that he uses A1 Steak Sauce as foot lube on his victims. Marinades are also possible colognes for him to seduce his fat bitches since they are loured in by the smell of steak easily explaining why he plows so many hefty bitches. At parties me and the boys feel the need to have random people ask him how much he loves serloin. He still doesn't get it. If I ever get married everyone will have the option of getting a steak besides him, fuck him, he isn't getting one. He has problems and needs to go to counciling over his obsessions with steak.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Real Fellas

"I know you aint used to havin' real fellas like me around
I'm here to change to your whole life girl, so you don't deal with clowns"

Now that is just way to gay for me.. Someone was gay enough to use this in their "Write Something about Yourself" section on Facebook. Yeah.. this guy used to be my best friend, you can see why he isn't any longer. He is currently the coolest kid at his division 3 school, good job. None of his original good friends talk to him anymore because he has turned into a "real fella". We must be these "clowns" he talks about. "Fella" isn't even in the original song.. he changed it, you cant go look up the other lyrics if you'd like I'm sure you can guess what it was (it's a rap song, he is white). The quote is from a shitty rap song by rapper E-40 (who sucks) featuring Akon (who sings like he needs a pacifier). It is the opening lines to the song titled "Wake It Up".. possibly the gayest song I've ever heard. Don't believe me? Please, let us see what "real fellas" look like in this video so you can "Write Something about Yourself" with this:
If these two fuckin' queers are "real fellas" I mean God just the opening is enough to make me throw up ("lookin' good 40".. "feelin' good akon"), but the entire thing is just too much to stomach. These are the kind of guys that don't care about anyone else and only carry their own agenda. Sounds like the "real fella" I know only he is quite possibly a bigger douche. You know the kind of guy that will answer his phone for some skanky bitch, but when his best friend calls doesn't answer. He's going to change her whole life so she doesn't deal with clowns though so rest assured. He thought he was going to start a club promotion company which still hasn't taken off. It was supposed to start like a year ago, but I guess they just suck? Who wants to get paid off of how many of your friends come out to your bar anyways? Oh yes, "real fellas" and douchebags. He apparently denies all accusations. I suppose I'm not gifted enough to ever know how to be a "real fella".

11 on the Corner

Next to my house resides eleven bitches.. I know what you are thinking, wrong. It isn't awesome, in fact it is awful. To start none of them are good looking so get that out of your mind. They have parties that usually are irritating since the crowd is all cock. I would say 15 girls (including the 11 of them) and 100 dudes whenever they have parties. Yes, as a "good neighbor" I would show up at the beginning of the year.. now, fuck that. It's so gay when you go over there.. how many meatheads can we gather in a house? I find it to be a challenge. There is always yelling and fighting to and usually my house is somehow destroyed in the process. Our banister was broken outside by these assholes, another night one of the bikes outside was destroyed, then our cornhole boards were broken in half, the list goes on. We never get any apologies or anything, I just want to start having more parties here and just have a flaming couch launcher and shoot it into their house. Fuck these bitches alright and to me when I'm over there I'm just wondering which lucky guy is gonna fuck one of these colossal bitches. God they all try so hard too.. WHY? I don't know why anyone would willingly go over there unless feeling obligated. To actually want to go for one of these bitches is ridiculous, I would rather put my dick in a bear trap. When the parties are over these assholes they have over stick around in their yard and shit as well as by my house. I have found myself walking outside in the middle of the night in my boxers just simply wielding a baseball bat, silent, to get rid of these drunk assholes. They usually clear out, but God I can't stand hearing drunken cock fights. "Oh the Indians are the best team ever you fuck stick" and it usually escalates from there.
These assholes are having their Cinco De Mayo party tonight, why? I'm not sure? Cinco De Mayo is a stupid fucking reason to party, don't believe me? Look up the history, the French came back a year later.. anyways, I sometimes wait for these psycho bitches to shoot a harpoon through my window at night and kill me. I mean they fuck up everything else enough, doesn't seem like a stretch at all to me.

The Mooch

Yes, you buy a case of beer.. in college, Coors Light is like premium sadly and this particually mooch always asks for one. You are fine with it for a while, but this becomes habit. They are the "I'll get you back guy".. When? It seems every time I request it they back out like a douche. Okay, it will be simple next time it happens "Can I have a Coors?".. "No, suck my balls."

Me and the guys go out the other night I buy the case of Coors, I give the mooch 20 bucks.. I get 1 dollar back.. Using my other dollars to buy dip for himself. He drinks generously 3, but I really think it was 4 or 5.. I really don't care. My other friend is at least giving me shots of liquor so I'm fine with him drinking out of it. We end up going to Mad Mex towards campus and my friend who gave me the shots buys a round of tall drafts. I buy the wings.. The mooch purchases nothing.. He tells me he is going to buy me a six pack, fine that is cool with me.

I ask him that weekend to get me the six pack whenever.. all of a sudden this is an issue? He also tried to claim that he had pitched in for the beers at Mad Mex.. really I don't remember that part? Oh, yes that's right that didn't happen. Suddenly I have been demoted from six beers to four? What the fuck? Talk about some bullshit.. stop being Jewish get your buddy what you owe him you fuck or I'm going to start leaving my case in a mini fridge by an oven. I'm not asking for a present or anything just simply what I am owed.. I would say he is getting a hell of a fucking deal if all he has to do is get me a six pack. Apparently not? Sadly he isn't the only mooch I know, there are many who are cheap about beer. There are variants though, girls can be mooches as well. I can't stand the girls that come drink all your premium alcohol and leave.. This is why I tend to keep mine out of sight when these bitches flock through. There are also the ones that don't throw down until you threaten their life, but we don't see him all that often so it's alright. He is by far the cheapest of them all.

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Pillow

I have a good friend who has been dating this girl, Franzia, very roughly for a while now. [she has been deemed Franzia after he purchased her the box full of vinegar piss for her birthday]. Lets just call him Pillow to be simple.. it represents how soft he is and how easily he goes back to girls even though they clearly suck. Is it fair to say that he doesn't have the best of luck with girls.. yes, I really want to spare him. I feel obligated as a friend that he can do better than her. I don't really find her that attractive and since she goes to the beloved Miami University Ohio she just already has this target up. She says her friends hate him, she deletes his wall posts on facebook.. claims there are no other guys.. what is there to hide? This sounds like my boy is getting the typical Miami Oxford treatment. Like I don't know if you're friends don't like the Pillow I don't think many of the guys here like you either? I also couldn't help, but notice my minifeed on facebook getting fucking blown up by this girl about how he's no good and how he's too far away. I guess things change for Miami girls all the time.. kinda like which kissy face to preform with which angle to hold up the peace sign. One day she makes him out to be the greatest guy in the world, the next she is comparable to a bum overlooking him as shit stained underwear while weaving through a dumpster. She has single-handedly ruined many potentially awesome weekends here at Ohio State by putting the Pillow in a bad mood from 2 hours away. That is absurd nobody should be able to do that via text message. I'm trying to fix this problem, ladies look it I may have ripped on him a little here, but I know for sure my boy can do better I just have to find a better girl to throw at him that way we can resolve this issue. Look at the positive things going for Cincinnati Cliff now... I had to.. It is only a matter of time as much as he is gonna hate me for this I'm just helping a brother out.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

R Kelly Returns

Dude my buddy, Landfill, came down tonight to party with me from 7 fucking hours away. So we pregame for a few hours and eventually go to our friends party. We go to my friends' 21st birthday party down the street, as predicted her underage sister is blacked out and being belligerent as always. What else is new? Landfill becomes the guy that will carry her later if needed also known as the guy that will have to carry her. Eventually the party dies we leave we go to eat and we get a call practically right as we are leaving "Oh will you come carry my sister back"... FUCK! Head back Landfill goes in sure enough he goes to carry this sloppy bitch.. God I'm glad I wasn't elected. Sure enough first question he asks "what is wet?"..

Yes, that is correct the bitch pissed herself and was putting it all over him.. golden shower? Somewhat.. We needed a bottle of urine gone, and yes, with enzyme action. The issue is it wasn't really announced that it was officially piss until say 3/4ths of the trip back...

If it was me I would have killed someone. It gets worse though. At this point she announces she may try to R Kelly him again! Are we serious? This could only remind me of one thing.

God it was awful. The next morning there was no "I'm sorry" or anything. Wow, I don't know what to say.

Friday, May 1, 2009

The Swine

Swine Flu.. It is a pandemic. Not really, I looked at the symptoms and I think a lot of college students must get alcohol induced swine flu. Yes, the worst strand. It may cause beer shits and or vomiting. I most commonly suffer from swine ass. The actual symptoms are as followed: fever, lethargy, lack of appetite and coughing. Some people with swine flu also have reported runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.Someone at The Ohio State University Medical Center contracted the pig. Like really? The pig is spreading; I knew that border was going to bite us in the ass sooner or later. Regardless I think it's ridiculous that with all of the worlds doctors we can't stop motherfucking swine flu from killing people? This seems a little sad to me. The pollution in Mexico City however should be enough to kill you. I'm no tree hugger, but that place is a shit hole.I probably have swine flu as I sit here typing this and I don't even know it. I guess I'm not scared like the media wants me to be. If I was in Mexico City, then I would be worried, but Columbus fucking Ohio? Nah, I'll be safe from the deadly pig. Which makes me wonder how did this happen? It came from a combination of bird and pigs so someone must have fucked a pigbird? I don't know.. just something to think about.

Things that should work..

Do you have things that should work, but don't? This comes from the same family as "this is where it would be if we had it" when you are a store or something. Fucking irritating right? Nothing is worse than expensive things that should work, but don't. IPods.. I don't care what the reviews say they blow dick. They always fail you, freeze show something really gay on the screen or hold a battery for 5 minutes. The dryer at my house, it is supposed to dry clothes hence the name "dryer", but it doesn't dry them at all. Not to mention since my landlord is a bitch we have the thing on quarters so I have to pay for it not to dry my clothes.. Buy my own right? Yes, we tried that, but the bitch said we couldn't so now we have this issue where I plan on giving her an earful about. My phone, dude AT&T is awful fewest dropped calls? The other networks must have dropped calls every 5 seconds then, because I can't seem to ever get service. The cable, no matter what I do to the connection it will always distort every now and then. The most irritating of all has to be the internet though. I it happens all the time, virtually every fucking day. Time Warner Cable sucks a cock with service too.

Another Saturday Wasted

Okay, it goes like this.. you can't just not go, because if you could that's exactly what you would do, but you can't. What am I talking about? A girls 21st birthday party the guest list.. sausage, bacon, dick, ham, cock, sweaty balls, meat heads, swamp ass, most likely that one indian guy that smells bad enough for the entire party.. you get the point. Now I love this girl to death she is one of my good friends, but good lord the girls that she is friends with... the one will probably bring a fleet of pigs to accompany her bulbous ass. She probably already asked if her eating team can come. Her other friends, who's faces happen to resemble my ass, are very nice, but it's just like yeah that only can do so much. I want at least something to look at during my time at this shitty party, I guess that's what posters are for.. yes, there will be so much cock there it's even being hosted by a guys house. Since it's not in her domain I feel like even more of an outcast than before. There will probably be guys from Oxford that are willing to make the drive to show off their new haircuts. The storm is coming and hopefully I'm sober enough not to challenge the fat bitch to an eating contest.