Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Scouting, Deciding, the Battle and the Aftermath

When you are out in public scouting a place to take a shit you might want to consider these tips and suggestions... You probably know the prime locations in your area. I usually hate shitting in fast food restaurants because lets face it, it's only a step up from a gas stations' shitter. Grocery stores.. not bad, but in Columbus it depends where you are talking about. If you are going to shit at the Giant Eagle on 5th you are probably safe, but if you are going to Kroghetto then I suggest you relocate your ass. Consider for a second who shits in Kroghetto... bums, bums who's ass crust covers the seat like a film. If there is an Applebee's close by go there they usually have exquisite shitting facilities. If you're at a stadium you are fucked there is prolly shit and piss all over the floors and walls of the bathrooms.. it's last resort in fact you might be better off finding a nice wooded area instead. Shitting on campus.. I for whatever reason tend to go to the highest point of the buildings and shit on the top floor or find more discrete/hidden bathroom. There are advantages and disadvantages of the top floor.

1. Most likely less dumps are taken there and since you have to work your way to get there hopefully you will be rewarded with a clean pot
2. You would imagine that the top floor bathrooms are cleaned as often as the bottom giving you a better chance at a more enjoyable dump
3. Less traffic=less chance of getting crabs
4. There are usually less people on the top floor giving you more privacy than what a first floor shitter has to offer

1. If someone has to shit on the top floor most likely it is a mammoth so select your stall wisely
2. The janitors might be lazy and say "fuck that, it looks clean"
3. There are more people like me who think dumping on the top floor is the safe haven of shitting in public places

After you have selected your bathroom a pivotal decision is which stall? The first stall is risky due to the fact that if they are in a rush to shit it might be the quickest point although this fact always runs through there mind as well so they might pinch their ass cheeks together one more stall to make it into stall two. Stall two isn't that much better if you get sandwiched in between two people shitting so although it is away from the urinals it has its own flaws. Then of course the Cadillac of shitters.. the handicap stall. Don't even act like you haven't shit in it before you greedy bastard, we all have, but I tend to stay clear of it. I mean think about it I don't want to be in that situation where a handicap person needs to shit and I'm shitting in their stall. That might be the biggest asshole move ever although I would technically be warming it up for them, but if they were in a mad rush I don't think I could wipe in time with that shitty toilet paper. You can never get a solid wipe unless you use an entire roll. Which brings you to another issue: do they all have enough t.p.?.. If so decide on a gamble which seat looks the cleanest or in some cases which seat lacks shit stains on it.

The Battle:
So there you are and yes you are armed with that shitty toilet paper. You have to use it to pad the seat regardless how "clean" it is because anything that provides a layer makes me feel slightly better. Then the battle begins.. I don't know about any of you, but I consider myself out of the human realm when it comes to shitting now maybe I would compare myself to like small horses. But anyways, you're in there confined into this prison they call a stall, the toilet paper holder is usually conveniently in the area where you need to put your leg so you are tilted to whichever side it's forcing you to. For whatever reason it always seems that the temperature in the bathrooms always seems to rise whenever you hit the pot. Perhaps the temperature change is in your mind and you are nervous and you just want to get the fuck out of there who knows, but you always end up sweating. Another thing that happens is that you become pissed off.. you aren't in a good mood now you're shitting in what is like a third world country. You go to wipe and the paper isn't making you any happier, pieces are getting stuck to your ass, you aren't getting good clean wipes, you find yourself using the entire roll and you find your ass irritated. The battle is over you are almost in the clear.

The Aftermath:
The worst is the aftermath, seeing people in the bathroom after you're done shitting. You try to act normal, but you know they are judging you like "looks like that guy really did work in there". I try to give the impression that I am proud of my dump, I look them square in the eyes and give them the look that I just made the biggest dump ever. Don't let some fuckin' queer make you feel awkward or ashamed of your shit if it was magnificent. And finally when finished if it was an intense dump that induced sweating you need to wash up regroup and get on with the day. Good stuff.

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