Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Song

Every group of friends seem to have that one song that is just hands down "the song". In my circle the song happens to be "Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money featuring Ronnie Spector. You can't sit there and tell me it isn't an awesome song. What is scarier is that the video is better. I know, I didn't think it was possible as well. If you haven't seen it I have it provided:

First off the ladder is just great haha how can you not like that? Is Ronnie not sexy too? She is so old, but I don't know? Yeah I'm prolly pushing it.. Money's shades obviously badass and the shirt.. do you not want it? Money has mad skill swinging the mic around as well, but notice at 2:24 Money goes air guitar on the saxophone, but it gets better between 2:35 and 2:40.. Those are the greatest 5 seconds in music video history. Raising the sax in the air is key to the video he does it like 5 more times in the end of the video, but the song is awesome overall. If you are ever at a bar in Columbus, Ohio and this song comes on and a bunch of people start singing most likely I'm at that table and one of us paid a dollar to put it on.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Miami University... Ohio?

Yes, that's right if you're not from Ohio or a neighboring state of Ohio chances are you prolly don't care or don't know too much about this want to be ivy league school. All the girls suck don't ever date one I've made the mistake multiple times. These girls are the worst, they look like they will have potential and are somewhat promising, but no. After examining the situation it's just a fountain of fake bitches, sluts, and drama. These are the same girls that pose with the peace sign and "kissy face" in pictures. There is a reason they went there.. they want to be with the "my new haircut" type guy or this guy:

This is their ideal guy.. so unless this fagget happens to be you (lets pray to god it isn't) chances are they won't want you around for that long, or this is your competition.. Ask yourself would you want to touch any girl that would be with a guy like this? You think I'm just gonna let them off with one picture? Hell no.

Pictures do really say a thousand words. I can sum it up in one, douchebags.

Notice the bitch giving the "kissy face"... Anyways, I've never heard any of my friend who have dated a Miami Ohio girl say they they got anything positive out of it. The usual response is "she was being a complete cunt and I never date a Miami bitch again." I about forgot to say these bitches also happen to think they think they are better than everyone else as well (refer to "The Number"). It's like you go to Miami.. of fucking OHIO this is not "The U" okay shut the fuck up. I don't think I've ever had an enjoyable experience in the shitty town of Oxford, Ohio.. In fact, every time I've been there something bad has happened. The place hates me, I hate them more.. so fuck them and their sluts, their meatheads, with all the same haircuts. If you ever find yourself in Oxford, Ohio just get two fuckin Heinekens at the bar and you'll fit right in.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Fellas

I know what you are thinking when you are on Facebook... Don't use it to talk to girls. Facebook Chat.. Let's think about this now. It has fucked me many times, you know what I'm talking about. The "Sending..." and it doesn't send it till about 10 minutes later in the conversation and you just look like a total douchebag OR it will send it twice so you will look twice as gay. I don't care who you are if you use Facebook Chat it will make you look like a douche. If you must, ask immediately "do you have AIM?" You never know what way your 5 minute ago sent will impact the convo, it could fuck you in ways not yet conceived by mankind. Facebook Chat is like signing yourself up to be a star role in a gay porn.. I mean nothing good will come out of it. I thought T9 was dangerous, but the first time I was bent over by Facebook Chat holy shit I apologize for ever leaving T9. I can't even imagine myself on Facebook Chat hammered drunk.. god it must be terrible. Then there is the "this person is no longer online" or the "error" please tell me why there is always an error at the worst times? Facebook has gone down the shitter since they have switched it like 6 times now. Just save yourself a lot of pain and stand clear of this.

Ahh Yes

It probably isn't a secret to those that know me that I am not really a "pimp" or a "player", but I like to talk to a few girls to test the water see if any have potential (none do don't worry). For future reference I refer to possible girls as my "prospects"...I feel like the girls I do talk to know each other somehow though. Is it possible they have meetings I don't know say every week lists of ways on how to fuck with me, most irritating things to say, dumbest shit to do or who knows? Ladies you win. Am I an asshole?.. Yes, without question. Do I like to party? Yes, fucking get over it. Do I say offensive things? All the time. Do I say awful things when wasted? haha I'm sure you're smart enough to know the answer.. Moving on, girls that despise me...If I am irritating to be around don't come to my house, EVER! Do you see me at yours being a dumb bitch? That's what I thought. I can name a few girls I see come to my parties I don't like, but we aren't going down that road. I mean one even looks angry all the time lol? But I'll act nice until drunk most likely and then I'll probably say something. I seem to be on a roll lately with the drunk dials to people I'm pissed off at, always a fun morning I never recall what was said. Example: Girl text me the other night telling me about her awesome run in beer pong I respond.. Oh whats that you were voted most likely to open your legs tonight? This weekend was brutal for me I'm gonna try to lay low for a while hopefully, we can't be having that.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Why must you do this?


The new "fiercer" Lions logo... after an 0-16 season they have become more fierce? I'm sorry if anything they should have downgraded to something like the pussycats.. Why must you do this Detroit Lions? Instead of designing a better logo to lose with they should concentrate more on improving their team. I don't understand how a team can suck this bad in the NFL, there is a salary cap? If anything the Lions sign a guy every year who is unproven for a shit ton of money and they still suck. Don't get me wrong Calvin Johnson is an absolute stud, but he even said all he wants is to win. It's really sad, I don't know how anyone in Detroit goes to those games. If they take Stafford in the draft who is going to block for him? I mean I want to watch a decent game on Thanksgiving for once. Don't get me started on their D.. I'm pulling for them to at least get 3 wins next season I mean come on.

The Transformation

Ok now when I find myself getting busy with school or whatever a transformation takes place. I turn into who is in my opinion the grimiest fucker in the NBA. Who is the grimiest in the NBA? Rasheed Wallace should be your immediate first thought. For instance Rasheed Wallace was arrested at a Piggly Wiggly he attempt to use a coupon for 50 cents off Oscar Mayer bologna that had expired the day before. He became enraged obviously, jumped on a register and began throwing shit from it.. at one point he had taken a plastic butter knife to a customers neck... Anyways this guy is so grimy, observe:

My beard is becoming like this, I'm craving fried chicken, next thing you know I'll be attacking people with plastic butter knives. I feel like this Rasheed Wallace transformation is my version of the Thriller music video. Thank God it's an off day and I can rid myself of this.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Cock Blockade

Now there is being a cock block and then there is taking it to epic levels. Yes, you are catching on it is known to me as a "cock blockade". It was preformed on a good friend of mine recently I offered to help him out, but he declined respectfully. If we were to look at this particular cock blockade to historic blockades it may rank with I don't know.. the Spartan Blockade of Athens or maybe the Ottoman blockade of Constantinople. It pained me to watch this, in fact it was ruining my night. It wasn't even me getting blocked, but it was very apparent he was getting fucked. Now this girl knew exactly what was going on and she could have been like no I came to see this guy I'm gonna respect that and not be a hoe and fall for this shit, but we don't live in a perfect world now do we? Like does she not know this other guys past history of blockades? I mean I hear this isn't the first time he has thrown one up. My buddy would have needed to be Moses parting the sea to get around this shit it was unreal.. CONSTANT! It's like dude she didn't come to see you and you are staying at his house at least respect that right? He was using the Barney method to seduce her. Most likely dropping lines from Twilight and discussing which High School Musical 6 Character was her favorite. It was sickening. The stories must have been like straight out of Chicken Soup for the Soul... which one? I don't fucking know he probably went with the original or maybe like the dog lovers edition. My buddy had no chance he was being reamed in epic fashion. Worst part is was she was leading him on too like God could you possibly suck any more? So like every epic blockade the one who set it up wins.. What an epic douche.

The Number

First off there are a lot of these bitches out there. The girl that is a 7 (out of 10) but in her head thinks she is like a perfect 10 model. Regardless don't bother in trying to talk to this girl because holy shit you are not worthy. That's right fellas, but oh shit if she needs help oh my you are the man aren't you? I don't think so bitch. If we break this number phenomena down.. remove the makeup 7 goes to 6 maybe even a 5, but shes still too fucking good to talk to you even though you don't even want to get with her because you can't stand anyone who acts like Paris Hilton. I can't stand being around these bitches in fact I think I'm just going to start bringing an industrial sized case of Midol to parties now. Any bitch "too fucking good" just gets a bottle shoved in her mouth. I'll show up and all the guys will just be like "fuck finally some relief" and we would have to ration according to bitch with the biggest ego. Like here swallow 60 of these and come talk to us? Oh? What? What's that? It's not your period? Oh fuck well I really don't give a shit do it anyways. The beer bong may have to spring into action and be used as a Midol bong in some extreme circumstances... When some of my friends have slipped away and turned into this particular girl. It is sad, but I mean if you are just going to ignore your old friends and act like you are the fucking master bitch of the universe that's fine, but it's probably at this point where you will be told you know what you're not that hot. Let us take time for this to sink in I know this is a new concept for you to think about and since you're not that hot you can't be a huge bitch all the time. I mean even if you are that hot you shouldn't be, but who fucking cares that isn't the point. If you aren't willing to accept this start buying the ShamPon from the makers of the ShamWow. If you are willing to accept that you have been a huge cunt then get the sand out of your vag and move on.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Fat Bitches

If there is anything that I hate its fat and ugly bitches. Huge Bitches that don't need these fries
They are the nastiest people, literally and physically. Maybe because the only guys they fuck are like 40 if they do get any dick, but who knows? Their attire is always appalling its as if they want you to know they are fat and trying to mimic a beluga whale with their fat rolls barreling out of their 12 sizes too small shirt. [pause for vomiting].. Next we have the makeup, the worst with this is the goth/punk fat bitch who has like the Marilyn Manson war paint type deal with the black dyed hair or whatever stupid fuckin color they think is the most hardcore. This particular fat bitch always comes with tattoos and piercings on the saggiest parts of the body its like 90 woman getting ink done. But moving on I can't stomach that that species of fat bitch any longer... new fat bitch topics..Oh shit going to the beach and getting your time ruined by that massive human beach ball looking fat bitch who of course is daring enough to try and pull off a two piece.. why? like seriously why do you bother? You are taking up enough sand for a family of 4. Continuing on.. "The Golden Corral" bitch typically fighting her way to the front of lines fighting for food filling multiple plates to reduce trips and exercise. She takes up several chairs and is covered in chicken grease and other food particles. It is a sickening sight, I tend to avoid these buffets if I see some of these pigs through the windows. And of course the bitch we all know and hate.. the stuck up fat bitch that think she is Gods' gift to the world. Her attitude is fucking awful nothing can describe it. Verbal diarrhea is spread everywhere and she acts like fucking Paris Hilton. Then lastly we have the know it all fat bitch. This bitch thinks she knows everything and is so smart, but if she did wouldn't she know proper diet? If you are this bitch shut the fuck up. There are many more, fat bitches evolve into more disturbing creatures I'm sure I'll cover them in the near future.

Scouting, Deciding, the Battle and the Aftermath

Scouting:
When you are out in public scouting a place to take a shit you might want to consider these tips and suggestions... You probably know the prime locations in your area. I usually hate shitting in fast food restaurants because lets face it, it's only a step up from a gas stations' shitter. Grocery stores.. not bad, but in Columbus it depends where you are talking about. If you are going to shit at the Giant Eagle on 5th you are probably safe, but if you are going to Kroghetto then I suggest you relocate your ass. Consider for a second who shits in Kroghetto... bums, bums who's ass crust covers the seat like a film. If there is an Applebee's close by go there they usually have exquisite shitting facilities. If you're at a stadium you are fucked there is prolly shit and piss all over the floors and walls of the bathrooms.. it's last resort in fact you might be better off finding a nice wooded area instead. Shitting on campus.. I for whatever reason tend to go to the highest point of the buildings and shit on the top floor or find more discrete/hidden bathroom. There are advantages and disadvantages of the top floor.

Advantages:
1. Most likely less dumps are taken there and since you have to work your way to get there hopefully you will be rewarded with a clean pot
2. You would imagine that the top floor bathrooms are cleaned as often as the bottom giving you a better chance at a more enjoyable dump
3. Less traffic=less chance of getting crabs
4. There are usually less people on the top floor giving you more privacy than what a first floor shitter has to offer

Disadvantages:
1. If someone has to shit on the top floor most likely it is a mammoth so select your stall wisely
2. The janitors might be lazy and say "fuck that, it looks clean"
3. There are more people like me who think dumping on the top floor is the safe haven of shitting in public places

Deciding:
After you have selected your bathroom a pivotal decision is which stall? The first stall is risky due to the fact that if they are in a rush to shit it might be the quickest point although this fact always runs through there mind as well so they might pinch their ass cheeks together one more stall to make it into stall two. Stall two isn't that much better if you get sandwiched in between two people shitting so although it is away from the urinals it has its own flaws. Then of course the Cadillac of shitters.. the handicap stall. Don't even act like you haven't shit in it before you greedy bastard, we all have, but I tend to stay clear of it. I mean think about it I don't want to be in that situation where a handicap person needs to shit and I'm shitting in their stall. That might be the biggest asshole move ever although I would technically be warming it up for them, but if they were in a mad rush I don't think I could wipe in time with that shitty toilet paper. You can never get a solid wipe unless you use an entire roll. Which brings you to another issue: do they all have enough t.p.?.. If so decide on a gamble which seat looks the cleanest or in some cases which seat lacks shit stains on it.

The Battle:
So there you are and yes you are armed with that shitty toilet paper. You have to use it to pad the seat regardless how "clean" it is because anything that provides a layer makes me feel slightly better. Then the battle begins.. I don't know about any of you, but I consider myself out of the human realm when it comes to shitting now maybe I would compare myself to like small horses. But anyways, you're in there confined into this prison they call a stall, the toilet paper holder is usually conveniently in the area where you need to put your leg so you are tilted to whichever side it's forcing you to. For whatever reason it always seems that the temperature in the bathrooms always seems to rise whenever you hit the pot. Perhaps the temperature change is in your mind and you are nervous and you just want to get the fuck out of there who knows, but you always end up sweating. Another thing that happens is that you become pissed off.. you aren't in a good mood now you're shitting in what is like a third world country. You go to wipe and the paper isn't making you any happier, pieces are getting stuck to your ass, you aren't getting good clean wipes, you find yourself using the entire roll and you find your ass irritated. The battle is over you are almost in the clear.

The Aftermath:
The worst is the aftermath, seeing people in the bathroom after you're done shitting. You try to act normal, but you know they are judging you like "looks like that guy really did work in there". I try to give the impression that I am proud of my dump, I look them square in the eyes and give them the look that I just made the biggest dump ever. Don't let some fuckin' queer make you feel awkward or ashamed of your shit if it was magnificent. And finally when finished if it was an intense dump that induced sweating you need to wash up regroup and get on with the day. Good stuff.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Commercials...

Sometimes I make the mistake of leaving the television on with the remote across the room as I'm doing homework or typing a paper and it is like background noise. There are however several commercials that break my concentration:

Exhibit A: The Iron Pony Commercials... There is nothing worse than hearing "just get to the pony" or anything else said in that voice. Now lets take a second to watch.



That's just an example of the stupidity no wonder America is slipping.

Exhibit B: MLB 2K9
This one wasn't that bad at first until it was on literally every other commercial. I understand the game just came out, but good lord how many times can you show it.



Exhibit C: The Snuggie



If I ever saw someone wearing one of these at a ballgame I think I would probably punch them out. You know people are lazy when they can't adjust a blanket. As for the actors in the video, wow.


Exhibit D and E:
Vince with the ShamWow and Slapchop... some of the shit he says makes no sense. "fettuccine, linguine, bikini", "you're going to love my nuts", "there's your mildew that's gonna smell", and of course "this tuna looks boring, stop having a boring tuna stop having a boring life".





Exhibit F: Progressive Commercials.. any of them this woman is fucking like the gothic, spider-woman looking, just got out of the insane asylum talking bitch. Her name is fucking FLO! FLO! What the fuck is that? Try and tell me she's not irritating:



Exhibit G: Castrol Synthetic Motor Oil
God this is fucking irritating to hear over and over again.



Exhibit H: Finally Fast Dot Com
God help us.



Now the others I couldn't find, but the buyers auto dot com with Kirk Herbstreit... he must say it like 20 times in a 30 second commercial. Another one is the triple credit report dot com... "try to say it three times fast" FUCKKK! WHY? NOOOOO! it's so irritating and the one guy like fuckin sings it like he's getting his ass pounded yet enjoying it like thats what he yells out when he's having gay sex. BUT nothing is worse than the beep beep dot com commercial... holy shit I can't even begin to express my hate for it. It just gets louder and louder and faster like some sort of satanic chant "beep beep dot com, beep beep dot com, beep beep dot com" If you have seen any of these I know that you have to agree with me.

Ch ha chan changgg

If you live in the city you know what I'm referring to... yes the "homeless guys" that beg for change or in their street lingo "ch ha chan channgg" At Ohio State there are plenty of these bums around asking college students for change... maybe they think we are nicer or what, but the fact is they probably make more money than us. But its beyond irritating each bum has like their own "thing" there is a rapping bum who went in hiding because apparently he's not a real bum, then you have the guy who is always saying "here comes hope", the guy that is "starving" even though he outweighs me (I'm 220 lbs) and of course the guy with that needs to "catch the bus". Now really these people piss me off because we all know that all they want is enough ch ha chan channgg to get themselves a few 40's and get wasted and most likely piss themselves. Its bad enough Columbus, Ohio isn't the best smelling of places between the water treatment plant and the landfill south of the city, but when I can smell a bum coming around a corner from 20 feet away there is an issue. Obama won so you're welfare checks are going to go up so don't worry you can afford you're new Jordan's or $70 Sean Jean shirt. The worst is when I'm out a lady friend and you are being like harassed about change it's like dude bum stop trying to cock block me and stop creeping out my girl. I'm sick of living in the fucking ghetto I'm stuck here because it is close to campus. I find myself avoiding the main streets as much as possible to avoid dealing with these bums and their awful stench. So please to all the fake bums spread the word and have your buddies go to a local pool/gym and at least shower.