Friday, July 24, 2009

Inflation

I have a friend that likes to exaggerate stories of his tale as well as make stories up, sometimes I find myself apart of these make believe stories.. and I just go along with it because I've stopped caring or I try to add something in to catch him off guard. Anyways, every time he goes out of town he apparently gets pussy by the masses. Once he leaves the tri-state (OH,KY,IN) area he becomes the greatest pimp ever to walk the earth, in fact I think he must play "Name that Pussy" with his fellow pimps. Yes, he holds the high score as well. My friend reminds me of Farva only unable to grow the facial hair. What's Farva without his mustache? Probably someone that inflates the amount of pussy they get.

Example 1: Farva claims to have been getting road head from one of his ex girlfriends during this time he hits a deer with his car (not going fast because apparently he was able to break in time?).. regardless he hits a deer and there is no damage to the vehicle and she doesn't bite his cock off and she finishes the b.j.

You decide...

Example 2: Farva goes to Florida and apparently gets a call from his cousins to meet up with him because they have 3 girls, 2 of which are twins. Farva apparently gets drunk with them and has sexual intercourse with one of the twins. Although the story was originally they were already drunk at the time.

I'm wondering if it was the twins from the Coors Light commercials they used to have? The girls ages were 25, 21 and 21... how fitting for Farva being that he is 21. his cousins are like in their 30's, yet they all managed to get laid?

Example 3: Farva claims to have been laid in Arizona when he went out in the summer for like a week (he wasn't even 21 at the time and had an awful fake I.D.). I guess the guy he was with happened to know everyone though?

Example 4: Recently he fingered and ate out a girl who is like fucking 18. She was Landfills' girlfriends' friend... he claimed to have "fucked the shit out of her", yet when the report from Landfill came in that wasn't the case at all, in fact he ate and got nothing... weak.

I'm not trying to say I'm some sort of player myself, but I don't sit here and make up what I did last night. In fact I'm going to tell my own Farva story, only starting it truthfully.

Last night I managed to get a number "jessica f".. I called it as I left the bar at 2:12a.m. there was naturally no answer. STOP resume from this point on a Farva story... GO: So she called my back right? I'm home by now so I get in my car drunk as fuck and I pick her up and she's giving me road head and I'm just running people over like Donte Stallworth. So then I notice I'm getting pulled over, but she isn't done, but she's still going and the cop lets her finish. Turns out the cop is my cousin and we go back to his place and these twins show up and I end up having a threesome with one of the twins and jessica f.

That is the best way I can describe a Farva story to you. The stories apply to other things other than pussy though. If we are around a bunch of people he makes up stories (sometimes I find myself in the made up stories), but I just don't care. He is always some sort of hero or something fucking rediculous.. no matter what he benefits from the fake story. Every time I try to call him out on it he has brilliant saves like "you weren't there for that part" or something stupid and these people really believe him.. it's fucking irritating if you could imagine. I have a new way to combat it however, adding to the story. I try to catch him off guard by adding fucked up twists. It's gotten out of hand though now I am going to start being extra fucked up... like "yeah and then you found that used tampon in your wallet". Only time will tell my friends, hopefully he learns.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

To be or not to be... McNaired?

Alright as a loose definition "McNaired" (referring to recently murdered quarterback Steve Mcnair who was shot by his mistress 4 times before taking her own life)...

McNaired (verb): to be murdered by a psycho bitch and while you are drunk/sleeping or not suspecting her from killing you

Just recently boxer Arturo Gatti was also found McNaired when his crazy bitch strangled him with her purse strap while he was drunk. As if bitches weren't crazy enough now we can't even have a few drinks without worrying about them killing us? I mean what is going on here? Athletes bring your body guards around at all times because you don't know what these bitches are going to do. Like David Wright... I would watch out Erin Andrews is probably not the best girl to be dating right now. I mean she's probably pissed about that tape of her naked floating around the internet and is looking to fuckin' McNair someone. David Wright get out as a precaution, the Mets need you, they suck already we don't need you getting McNaired. I'm even having nightmares myself of getting McNaired. Crazy bitches surround us in this world on my birthday I was especially afraid of being McNaired, just by looking at the list of bitches that were coming... going down it.. crazy, crazy, definitely killing me, the only reason she would come is to McNair me, just released from the psych ward... the news came out that Gatti was McNaired on my birthday which didn't help my situation. Obviously I'm still living, but I created a pact to make sure I lived. The girl I thought was going to McNair me texts me the next morning when I woke up just as I had walked upstairs to lay on the couch. The text read: "Are you still alive?". She obviously isn't done with me. I've spoken to her a few more times since then. It's strange, my friends believe I'm just asking for it. I came across a discovery though while discussing with others.. McNair and Gatti were both drunk at the time. I have come to the point where I'm sick of waiting around and wondering if it's going to happen or not as well. One of my friends advised me to just get drunk and fall asleep on the couch and if I wake I am meant to live. That night is tomorrow night... look for more posts.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

KFC... Again

KFC I ripped you on your gay ass advertising campaign regarding grilled chicken not that long ago. I also mentioned in there how you claimed that 10 dollar buckets were like an awesome deal and shit.. well now you have new ads out and I want to give you credit for them. They are trying to compete with the 5 dollar subs... they make a point that the chips and drink are extra, now I don't know what is in the box at KFC, but it sure beats them advertising 10 dollar meals... Plus we all hate Subway's fuckin' ads example:

Everyone in this is high on cocaine as far as I'm concerned. Why the fuck is the one bitch in the commercial if she doesn't know the song?.. Give someone else a chance. The people at KFC aren't pushing gayness on us either with a song so I respect them for that as well. However they do have that really gay ad and I'm not sure if it has been pulled or not, but I blogged about it last time...

So gay.. enough said. Anyways if you see the new KFC with their 5 Dollar Box they came out with I'm proud of them.

Friday, July 17, 2009

"WπC2"

I was kicked out of a bar probably because I had won a "free happy hour" at McFaddens. Although I guess when you go up to the table and ask for more drink tickets they say no because you have half a drink in your hand? My response, naturally drunk: "are you fucking serious?" So apparently she signaled to have me kicked out, but I was already pissed off enough.. so I just walked out and I asked the bouncer if its a new thing for them to kick people out over half drinks now? He didn't really know what to say.. obviously... The bitch marked my hand "WπC2" what the fuck does that even mean? Alright everyone else I saw had just a regular "W".. so at the beginning of the night the bitch had it in for me. I mean all I could ask was "really?".."really?" It's like bye "WπC2" you're a bitch. McFaddens I've always hated that place, I don't plan on going there any more. I went because I was supposed to drink for free, but instead I just dealt with assholes and bitches.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

What is that?

I find myself asking myself questions in life all the time. Since stupidity in the world we live is seems to grow I have only one question I want answered. I'm not asking for any explanations on why someone did something or what went down or why they're fucking stupid, no, I just want to know: "what is that?". I'm sure you see strange individuals doing weird shit all the time and I'm just curious as to what the fuck that is. People driving who suck.. when I'm going 30 mph down Olentangy River Rd stuck behind someone... What is that? Only to find out that this person I'm behind is obviously a 65 year old white trash woman. People that are in restaurants that are creepy that just walk around and stand in places they shouldn't.. what is that? The list goes on.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Jacko

By now you've probably heard Michael Jackson died from a heart attack. I'm not sure if his favorite 9 year old couldn't make it over for the night or not, but it's shocking how many people that hate on him for being that pervert have the "RIP MJ" everywhere all over there Facebooks and shit. Give me a break people. Aren't you the same fuckers that called him "Jacko the Wacko"? Sure I can respect that he was the King of Pop, but I know that he's probably slapping hands with Satan right now about to bend over another little boy in Hells' version of Neverland. The only difference is this time nobody will care. Sure the guy had issues.. I mean his skin color changed and his nose was well I don't know how to go about describing the overall Michael Jackson transformation other than being somewhat corny and making a Thriller reference. Now they aren't even sure how he died? How am I not surprised? This whole thing is so creepy and I can't wait for it to be over. I whole idea of him being too stupid to understand you can't just have slumber parties at Neverland is unreal. It's over now and the world is safer I guess, now we must mush through this bullshit.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Refugee

I've had my license suspended for the last 3 months by my doctor.. so if you thought I got a speeding ticket or a DUI, nice try asshole. Because of this very large inconvenience I find it hard to get shit done. Simple things like going to get food at the grocery store becomes like a huge event. I am painfully forced to take the COTA buses everywhere... lets talk about the COTA bus experience, shall we? Today I saw hands down the greatest she-mullet of all time, nothing can change my mind. What else? Black people... that probably says it all, but I'm an asshole so I'm going to elaborate. Lets just say when you're the 20 year old white male boarding the bus with the ipod you aren't well liked. You're probably saying that's stupid. Why the fuck would you do that shit? Won't you get jumped? Well I have exorcized my "I don't give a shit anymore right" maybe I have my ipod because I couldn't stand listening to the awful conversations these people have amongst themselves. Peppered constantly with "nigga", "that's fucked up", "nephew", "sista", and the usual's ("probation", "court", "damn", etc..). A 5 minute bus ride and you become about 30 times dumber than you were before you got on. The bus drivers are always quite the characters themselves since they have to deal with crackheads all the time. They yell at people all the time it's great. Today I was called after my eye exam by my father... "I'm at Refugee and fucking Eastland Four." I actually found myself saying this. Wow. Yes, what the fuck does that mean? that is the intersection I was at for all of you adventurous ones out there I have supplied a link to illustrate just exactly where the fuck I was. MAP Zoom out and look in relation to Ohio State, now think without a car.. I was standing there for an hour and a half in the 90 degree heat with my thumbs up my ass waiting on a bus that I wasn't even sure was going to take me to the proper destination. Great. Fuck me right? At least there was this spectacular she-mullet at the stop with me and her white trash family. God. That bus wasn't going to be taking me the entire way I knew I was going to have to take several buses. What was great is the other bus I got on there were people standing so I had to fucking stand so it was fucking excellent because a bunch of people were crammed in. I got to my eye exam at 11:30, I walked in the door of my place at 3:15... I hate not being able to drive. July 1st can't come any sooner.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Return

The other day I received a text message from my bitch "mother"... If you don't recall I hate her for countless reasons. I'm not sure how she got my cell number, probably online at one of the pay sites because she is pathetic. This is the first time she has text me on this number so I was pissed beyond belief. She sends the most irritating shit to me as well and it just keeps coming. She also sends those irritating chain texts that everyone in her phonebook gets, God, kill me. I’m looking to change my number again though because she is that awful. It really is enough to make you go crazy; she is the worst person on the face of the Earth. Funny thing, my brother remind me the other day how about how she used to pack us plain cheese sandwiches in our lunches. Yes, that's right a cheese fucking sandwich, made with bread and American cheese... yum. I would get that like 4 days in a row as well. Anything would be an improvement to a cheese fucking sandwich. Now there was lunchmeat in the fridge, it isn't like there was only cheese in the fridge.. Even then what the fuck was she eating for lunch? Oh yeah that's right.. the bitch was going out to the Cheese Cake Factory with her psycho friends. Maybe she got confused? There was also the peanut butter sandwich that we would get frequently in our lunches when there was a sufficient supply of jelly. Anyways I'm getting my wisdom teeth out in the near future and she won't be here to take my pain killers... bitch.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

KFC "Grilled"...

It's come to my attention I haven't ripped anyone in a while.. well that time has ended my friends so lets go out and get our sticks because the piñata is about to break on Yum! Brands...

Alright bitches welcome to class, I'm sure you just saw the video you were supposed to watch, if not fucking watch it now. Yum! Brands operates or gives licenses' to Taco Bell, KFC, Pizza Hut, and Long John Silver's restaurants worldwide (for all you that don't know).. moving on.. Yum!, what is it you don't understand? These people don't go to KFC... I've asked a few people I don't know anyone that goes there. In fact I don't know anyone who has tried the new grilled bullshit you're pumping out. Isn't the whole point of going to KFC to get the crispy shit on the chicken?.. Then you make it sound like it's such a great deal... 10 DOLLARS! FOR SHIT WE DON'T REALLY EVEN FUCKIN' WANT! 10 dollars at your other establishment Taco Bell would feed a family of 8. I can go out to eat and leave a fuckin' tip at a nice restaurant for 10 dollars... This isn't a good fuckin' deal, lets face it the only people eating at KFC are Ricky Bobby and Cal Norton Jr... If you are black.. you also prolly will go to KFC, but not for the fucking grilled? Look at the people in this commercial, holy shit! Why? Just why? How can you let your company be viewed in this manner? The asian guys? Really? Is that Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid? And the white people? I feel like I'm watching Dave Chappelle's "Pixie" sketch. They have people wearing the same outfits.. it's just too gay for me. Yum!, please stop pushing it with these awful ads, they aren't working... in fact they are doing the opposite the slight chance that I had that I would go to KFC in 20 years might be tainted. So please focus your money on Taco Bell a quality product.

The Magic Number

mclovin-license by Buxomia."Must Be 21 To Drink"... yeah we have all seen it and we probably at some point have all said "fuck that".. My 21st Birthday is in one month am I going to mature in a month? I don't think so, there are plenty of fucks out there over 21 that are not fit to drink alright. Having a July birthday blows.. all my friends have turned 21 before me, somehow I find my ways into bars. I've never had a fake i.d. to call my own. I can't say I have a McLovin vibe to myself were I get a fake and go buy 80 dollars worth of shit. Have I used peoples i.d's?.. yes. Not all of them work. Usually all I want to do is go out to the bars and have like a few beers and that's it, but God forbid the Government says I can't.. I haven't been caught yet and I'm hoping to keep it that way. If they do catch me I guess I should ask them what's taken them so fuckin' long? Days of freedom approach, untill then I'm keeping a low profile.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Epic Games

There are games in our lives we remember.. the ones that were the most important, the ones that were the most fun and the ones that caused the most pain. In drinking games there are many that stand out.. sure there are great runs in pong that I've had where it seemed I couldn't miss, but the games itself we are talking... epic games, games you create with the boys. The night of the Grand Master seems to stick out first, legendary, I'll never forget it. Now the game was very complex and you pretty much had to be there, but basically the Grand Master can do pretty much whatever he wants and gives out drinks and makes certain rules. I remember I had to sing for a full minute of some shitty song I didn't know the words to or I would have to take down a full beer. Yesterday we played our version of drinking Monopoly.. it was brutal. Examples of some rules: go to jail is a full beer, waterworks is a shotgun session, railroads are beer runs for everyone, and drinks are given out according to amount owed (I can't remember what the official amount was).. Regardless, I think I was taking the worst out of anyone with about 5 full beers I had to chug. It was a classic game and we took down the rules so I can definitely see it becoming a new house tradition.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I'm Offended in Every Way Possible...

"The whistles go whoo"

Dude... dude, wow. Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis... I'm trying not to be racist, but I mean come on are they not living up to their negative stereotypes? Holy shit, what other activities does motherfucking Bubb Rubb take part in? Bubb Rubb's whistle tip is his alarm clock? If anything you're just going to end up fucking yourself Bubb Rubb when you're trying to hide from the cops and they can hear your car everywhere.. this is exactly why you're name is fucking Bubb Rubb and you are fucking a dumb bitch like Lil Sis right now. Lil Sis.. seriously? Decoration? Really is that what its for? So you guys can't afford to pay for food or you're taxes, but you can make it go whoo whoo right? I want to projectile vomit all over you then proceed to plant, pivot, and shit on you both.. you suck at life. They couldn't even drive straight ahead for the cameras (they went across the double yellow and went through a fucking stop sign in the process as well as almost hitting another car). WOW! If anything outlaw these fucks from driving.

Monday, June 1, 2009

A Message to My Readers

If you haven't noticed I've been up to speed with my blog now that school is coming to an end in the next two weeks and I've been cramming all my shit in. I've also been getting numerous doctors appointments in Cincinnati where I find them to be helpful, but the people that take my blood for the tests are incompetent since I had to go back so they could re-stab me... I've been writing these stupid papers that waste my time.. statistics is another class I am taking, the "labs".. also a waste of time. The countdown to June 10th is ticking, until then I'm not sure as to how many blogs I'll have up, but I have been compiling a grand amount of material for when I get the time to write them. For now hang tight and hopefully I can squeeze one out between now and June 10th.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Michael Vick Returns

I don't know about you, but isn't Cleveland the best place for Michael Vick to come back to? The Dawg Pound.. it's perfect for him. 73,200 fans all barking at him in Cleveland Browns Stadium. What could be a better scenario? The box seats would be turned into "cage seats" and the most violent fans would sit in the end zone dressed as dogs and try to kill each other during the games. These fans would obviously be known as the Dawg Fighters. It would be the perfect environment for him. When he comes back to the NFL their will be riots and demonstrations by PETA and other organizations.. I honestly can' wait. Vick is grounded for 2 months currently in his mansion.. harsh? Remember when the case broke out and he said he found Jesus and like a few days later he was busted for weed? Yeah.. Vick is an idiot. He ranks among Pacman and the original criminal, Ray Lewis (he got away with murder). I really hope Cleveland considers, if not.. well I would love to see Vick play a game in the Dawg Pound.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Through the Mist

Being the only normal one in a household filled with creepers and the wickedly strange I spend my life in constant fear. I am Misty, house dog of the K-Ylenfeets.If there was a way to kill myself it would have been done by now. I have tried to escape countless times, but the defense system installed by Mr. K-Ylenfeet is impenetrable. I am in dire need of the memory eraser from Men in Black because of the things I have witnessed in Fort K-Ylenfeet. I wake to Mr. K-Ylen waking up at 5 a.m. for his marathon jog around the neighborhood. I see him out the window he often runs backwards and waves at cars going by creeping them out. He also is wearing a headband and high white socks. It's fucking irritating nobody wants to see this in the morning and it's not something I want to wake up to. Mr. wakes me every morning with the same phrase: "it's time". It scares the shit out of me. I go into the study only to find all the family portraits looking at me, one has them dressed in German outfits? Oh my God. The clock ticks through the morning and the Kool-Aid is made by Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great bright and early to better the taste for later. They love Kool-Aid in the household and rate how well each family member makes it. Is there some sort of prize? I'm not sure.. Sir showers and applies his steak marinade as a cologne. Within the hour, Sir brings one of his fat hoes over to watch a movie and be excessively creepy. He takes her to the basement. Throwing in a movie where there is nudity so he can yell out like he hasn't seen boobs before is a common interest of Sir K-Ylen: "UUHHHIIIGGGGHHH". I walk down to the basement and sure enough I see a bunch of fat rolls barreling out in ever direction with Sir yelling out "oh yeah", "that's fuckin' right", "feet", "steak" and "A1 Sauce". It sounds like she's going to break the couch and the sight is disgusting, I flee. Minutes later she walks up the stairs with a red, sweaty face. I throw up for the third time of the day. The Falcon cleans it and I spend television time with Grandma until she passes out watching Soap Operas. The Falcon and Mr. are off to watch a marriage counseling tape done by a pastor. I don't understand how they are so creepy with all this? I walk into the next room only to be disgusted by Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great whacking it to foot porn. I also can't help, but notice the bitch in the video is huge.. in fact she's well over 300 lbs.. God I am scared for life. I guess the fat hoe before didn't satisfy his foot urges? I dart into the bathroom as a means of immediate safety.. wrong, Sir left his industrial sized tube of foot lube out. I scamper to the basement where we find an arts and crafts session taking place. The spoiled one is writing poetry for her loser boyfriend that everyone in the family hates, I think he's gay.. whatever. I hear a noise from behind me. WOOF! Mr. from out of the shadows in war paint in a ninja costume, he has me. Terrified I try to scramble away, but it is no use. Mr. has me and this is his idea of "play", my heart races and finally I pull away from his grasp. When will it end? I hear a bunch of laughs.. God I hate them. I thought the worst had passed.. wrong, the Falcon and Mr. are getting the grill ready.. my biggest fear possibly of all, steak night. I don't want to know what goes into the secret family marinade I hate seeing them feast. It is a sickening sight there is a cult like chant that leads them to the table "Sttt-eak, sttt-eak, sttt-eak, sttt-eak, sttt-eak, sttt-eak..." it grows louder each chant becoming harder to understand due to the amount of drool accumulating. Mr. brings out the steak and sets it on the table in a platinum dish while Sir follows him with the A1 sauce hoisted high in the air. The spoiled one brings the pitcher of Kool-Aid and fills the glasses. They sit pray and what happens next is too graphic to describe. I flee in a mad panic. I wait it out in a corner in the basement, but even that place isn't safe. I've been attacked countless times here by Mr. K-Ylen, I've walked in on Sir K-Ylen mid plow on some sloppy fat hoes and I'm surrounded by family pictures down here staring at me. I'm waiting for them to come alive and kill me. I hear noises in the fort that startle me, I never sleep. I'm hoping the spoiled one doesn't come down with her boyfriend and watch Legally Blonde or something stupid... Alas she walks down with him while I hear the Sir arguing over who's steak was better, please fucking let it go. Nightfall will be coming soon.. fuck. Nothing is more frightening than a night at the fort in pitch black and Mr. holding it down. I've seen him come down for a glass of water in the middle of the night in strange outfits for role play with the Falcon including: Space Ghost, an Umpa Lumpa, Tarzan and Vanilla Ice. Nothing was more scaring than me walking in on Mr. swinging from the top of the ledge in his room down onto his bed onto Mrs. while he was wearing a Jolly Green Giant outfit.I head into Sir's room and find him on Facebook chat creeping on fat girls pictures and talking to multiple plus sized women or girls his friends are talking with.. figures. What's that? Limewire downloads in the corner.. Mom porn? What the fuck? I hear Mr. and the Falcon in their room.. A sound of a trumpet followed by clucking and what sounds to be a Hitler speech blaring? WOOF! Mr. opens the door in a mad furry. He's wearing an SS uniform and yells at me in German. What the fuck? He slams the door. I live in fear. Seconds later Mr. emerges from the room in regular clothes and walks down stairs where he turns on the television. Suddenly out of nowhere a stage and smoke appear as Mr. starts playing guitar hero on expert.This must be part of his training for something. I'm not sure how it helps him, but he feeds off it. Mr. grows stronger from guitar hero. The smoke is too heavy for me to breathe now I have to get out of here. All I hear is "Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen blaring... Fuck. I sprint to the basement and the door slams behind me. [The music stops.. lock] Oh my God. The end times...

-A tribute to Testaverde

Shit's Weak

One of the greatest lines ever brought about by the movie Grandma's Boy. The movie is a genuine classic in my opinion and it has helped me notice this very theme: "shit's weak". Recently many things seem to fall under that category of being extremely weak. It baffles the mind in some instances from people like my landlord who won't fix our fucking dryer and suck at life, to people I haven't talked to in forever randomly blocking me on Facebook because I'm friends with her boyfriend. She blocked her boyfriend too? Who does that? Like really that is so fucking weak and it's like I really didn't care for you before, but now I have formed a complete opinion about you. I just deleted you to finish the job for you.. no worries "bye bye, great success". Seriously what is your beef? You have none. What else? These weak ass papers I have to write every week for class. I think I'm getting dumber from writing them. They bring nothing to the table, I learn nothing from them and it's just a waste of time... So as I sit here and wait for a pair of clean boxers to dry after paying in quarters for it to dry and it failed to do so, it makes me wonder.. how weak is that shit?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Maxim Magazine

Let me start out with saying, what the fuck? You have your "Hot 100" every year now, but this stood out to me. #93WOW! Seriously, please tell me, how many guys get off to Michelle Obama? I HOPE that you CHANGE where you draw your eyebrows on next time because they are a little high up don't you think? You manage to be surprised and angry at the same time.. with a smile? Get a new gay guy to do them for you or something. I'm sure plenty of fags are running around the White House if not just wait till the next gay pride march or something. I feel bad for the girls that finished behind her.. like God I wouldn't know what to do. Good news though people, I think we may have found someone with a larger forehead than Rihanna only we have secret service and protecting the First Forehead from Chris Brown. Chris Brown doesn't know what kind of forehead he's up against this time. Regardless, I'm disappointed in the "Hot 100" if you are going to have the exceptions to the rule then don't call it the "Hot 100" call it like the "Hot 95 and 5 ugly bitches we were paid to throw in". The commentary next to Michelle Obama's picture was also sickening...
"He may be dealing with two wars, an economic meltdown, and a rapidly graying dome, but at least our Commander in Chief gets to come home to the hottest First Lady in the history of these United States. (Sorry, Martha Washington!)"
I want to throw the fuck up. Whoever wrote/approved that must be a balls deep homo. Instead it should say our Commander in Chief gets to come home to a fucking Klingon. Yes, I see Michelle Obama enough on the Burger King commercials. I could of put up Lieutenant Worf's picture okay so I'm not trying to be complete dick. Moving on, it's amazing to me that Maxim couldn't find anyone else to take the spot, I didn't really look at the rest of the list after seeing this, but I'm sure there are some iffy hoes on there. I could find plenty of girls that look better than fucking Michelle Obama. It seems the Maxim Hot 100 is no longer a prized achievement, but merely whoever they really feel like putting on their regardless if they are "hot".

Most Painful Piercings

The most painful piercings have not encountered this bitch I know. Her voice is awful.. It sounds like Donald Duck on helium mixed with constant facial expressions from the audience of Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader. She prances around like she is galloping on a pony in one of Dora the Explorers scavenger hunts or some shit. Can you find the zipper? No, but I wish there was one on your fucking mouth you dumb cunt.. It's just like can someone please duck tape this bitches mouth shut. The guy from the Finally Fast Dot Com commercial is even bitching about her... I'm going to be somewhat generous and leave her Bermuda Triangle pussy out of this. She shows up and ruins my time just by being there. The majority agrees with me, but God forbid if you say something there are too many people that would be affected. She is best friends with one of my friends girlfriends otherwise it would be simple.. I still have a hard time biting the tongue especially when intoxicated. Nothing is worse than card games with her however.. they should just hand people a shovel with the deck of cards if she is going to be around as well as a measuring tape to measure 6 feet down (if you make it that far). It's like Ty Penninngton and Jessica Simpson reproduced and spawned this creature that roams among us today. Fuck!.. FUCK! If she was the last bitch on Earth mankind would be in jeopardy. I need to come up with some sort of spray repellent, kind of like OFF!.. for irritating bitches.

The Wall Street Journal


Most likely everyone has gone through a traumatic experience in their lifetime. I suffer from more mild traumatic events daily. There are few things in the world more important than toilet paper, lets be honest. If you go to someones house and they have shitty t.p. you judge them, well I do. I appreciate a home equipt with quality t.p. because I myself pride myself on the same. When I first moved into my house I bought 12 Angel Soft rolls and kept them by my prized shitter... Mistake. When I left for Boston I returned only to find out midshit I was going to have to improvise on what to wipe my ass with. Now nothing is worse than sitting there contemplating your moves or lack there of with shit all over your ass. The list usually begins with who is home.. of course nobody, nearest t.p. supply? (I don't know I just moved in), nearest paper towel or napkin supply (don't act like you haven't thought of these before you fucks I know you've done it), and lastly ShamWow? The only thing I could think of was killing whoever took all 12 rolls and what to use on my ass. Sadly I had spotted what I was going to use.. fucking newspaper, yes, great I was going to ink my ass up literally. Of course it had to be a good newspaper too, possibly the best out there, The Wall Street Journal. I would of loved to have wiped my ass with the Columbus Dispatch or the shitty Ohio State paper, "The Lantern". I would have been fine defacing those, but it never works out that way. What are people going to do in the future when the papers are all online? Anyways.. I'm glad my roommate orders The Wall Street Journal, who knows I might get it myself now.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Ahoy A Carrot

Society constantly tells us what is supposed to be attractive, this includes being tan. Alright that's fine, but there is a line people. If you are one of those bitches that goes out and cooks yourself everyday and you happen to look like a lobster please stop. Nothing is worse than the smell of a tanning bed.. sweat, human flesh being roasted, and lotion.. yum. If you smell like this outside of the tanning bed it is awful, go shower. After years of tanning it will catch up to you and you either die of skin cancer or have leathery skin like a pigs ass. As you may know there is always something worse though.. yes, the spray tan. It looks like one of the guys from the Blue Man group jumped in the wrong fucking paint. Seriously only a vegetarian would think about fucking a giant carrot. If you're a guy and you go tanning, someone has probably already told you you're a queer... because you are. I've heard of black people that go tanning, why? Anyways, ladies please let up on the tanning if you are close to looking Mexican you're probably overdoing it and it looks terrible. You are wasting your money for something that isn't that important. If you are good looking you will be noticed no matter how tan you are.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

STE-AK

Do you know someone that is so obsessed with something they ruin it for you? This person in my case is Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great. He loves steak. It is fucking disgusting, in fact I will probably never eat steak ever again. He has ruined it for me and others he is friends with regardless if he is aware of it or not. When he says it his mouth fills with saliva and he spits it and it's fucking irritating. Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great always says "fuckin' steak" as well which is twice as irritating, followed usually by "that's fuckin' right" or "boom baby". He uses these lines because he thinks he is cool or something for ordering steak or some shit? I don't know? If you can explain it to me please by all means be my guest. In my previous blog about the Sir I mentioned his possible foot fetish. There is a belief that he uses A1 Steak Sauce as foot lube on his victims. Marinades are also possible colognes for him to seduce his fat bitches since they are loured in by the smell of steak easily explaining why he plows so many hefty bitches. At parties me and the boys feel the need to have random people ask him how much he loves serloin. He still doesn't get it. If I ever get married everyone will have the option of getting a steak besides him, fuck him, he isn't getting one. He has problems and needs to go to counciling over his obsessions with steak.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Real Fellas

"I know you aint used to havin' real fellas like me around
I'm here to change to your whole life girl, so you don't deal with clowns"

Now that is just way to gay for me.. Someone was gay enough to use this in their "Write Something about Yourself" section on Facebook. Yeah.. this guy used to be my best friend, you can see why he isn't any longer. He is currently the coolest kid at his division 3 school, good job. None of his original good friends talk to him anymore because he has turned into a "real fella". We must be these "clowns" he talks about. "Fella" isn't even in the original song.. he changed it, you cant go look up the other lyrics if you'd like I'm sure you can guess what it was (it's a rap song, he is white). The quote is from a shitty rap song by rapper E-40 (who sucks) featuring Akon (who sings like he needs a pacifier). It is the opening lines to the song titled "Wake It Up".. possibly the gayest song I've ever heard. Don't believe me? Please, let us see what "real fellas" look like in this video so you can "Write Something about Yourself" with this:
If these two fuckin' queers are "real fellas" I mean God just the opening is enough to make me throw up ("lookin' good 40".. "feelin' good akon"), but the entire thing is just too much to stomach. These are the kind of guys that don't care about anyone else and only carry their own agenda. Sounds like the "real fella" I know only he is quite possibly a bigger douche. You know the kind of guy that will answer his phone for some skanky bitch, but when his best friend calls doesn't answer. He's going to change her whole life so she doesn't deal with clowns though so rest assured. He thought he was going to start a club promotion company which still hasn't taken off. It was supposed to start like a year ago, but I guess they just suck? Who wants to get paid off of how many of your friends come out to your bar anyways? Oh yes, "real fellas" and douchebags. He apparently denies all accusations. I suppose I'm not gifted enough to ever know how to be a "real fella".

11 on the Corner

Next to my house resides eleven bitches.. I know what you are thinking, wrong. It isn't awesome, in fact it is awful. To start none of them are good looking so get that out of your mind. They have parties that usually are irritating since the crowd is all cock. I would say 15 girls (including the 11 of them) and 100 dudes whenever they have parties. Yes, as a "good neighbor" I would show up at the beginning of the year.. now, fuck that. It's so gay when you go over there.. how many meatheads can we gather in a house? I find it to be a challenge. There is always yelling and fighting to and usually my house is somehow destroyed in the process. Our banister was broken outside by these assholes, another night one of the bikes outside was destroyed, then our cornhole boards were broken in half, the list goes on. We never get any apologies or anything, I just want to start having more parties here and just have a flaming couch launcher and shoot it into their house. Fuck these bitches alright and to me when I'm over there I'm just wondering which lucky guy is gonna fuck one of these colossal bitches. God they all try so hard too.. WHY? I don't know why anyone would willingly go over there unless feeling obligated. To actually want to go for one of these bitches is ridiculous, I would rather put my dick in a bear trap. When the parties are over these assholes they have over stick around in their yard and shit as well as by my house. I have found myself walking outside in the middle of the night in my boxers just simply wielding a baseball bat, silent, to get rid of these drunk assholes. They usually clear out, but God I can't stand hearing drunken cock fights. "Oh the Indians are the best team ever you fuck stick" and it usually escalates from there.
These assholes are having their Cinco De Mayo party tonight, why? I'm not sure? Cinco De Mayo is a stupid fucking reason to party, don't believe me? Look up the history, the French came back a year later.. anyways, I sometimes wait for these psycho bitches to shoot a harpoon through my window at night and kill me. I mean they fuck up everything else enough, doesn't seem like a stretch at all to me.

The Mooch

Yes, you buy a case of beer.. in college, Coors Light is like premium sadly and this particually mooch always asks for one. You are fine with it for a while, but this becomes habit. They are the "I'll get you back guy".. When? It seems every time I request it they back out like a douche. Okay, it will be simple next time it happens "Can I have a Coors?".. "No, suck my balls."

Me and the guys go out the other night I buy the case of Coors, I give the mooch 20 bucks.. I get 1 dollar back.. Using my other dollars to buy dip for himself. He drinks generously 3, but I really think it was 4 or 5.. I really don't care. My other friend is at least giving me shots of liquor so I'm fine with him drinking out of it. We end up going to Mad Mex towards campus and my friend who gave me the shots buys a round of tall drafts. I buy the wings.. The mooch purchases nothing.. He tells me he is going to buy me a six pack, fine that is cool with me.

I ask him that weekend to get me the six pack whenever.. all of a sudden this is an issue? He also tried to claim that he had pitched in for the beers at Mad Mex.. really I don't remember that part? Oh, yes that's right that didn't happen. Suddenly I have been demoted from six beers to four? What the fuck? Talk about some bullshit.. stop being Jewish get your buddy what you owe him you fuck or I'm going to start leaving my case in a mini fridge by an oven. I'm not asking for a present or anything just simply what I am owed.. I would say he is getting a hell of a fucking deal if all he has to do is get me a six pack. Apparently not? Sadly he isn't the only mooch I know, there are many who are cheap about beer. There are variants though, girls can be mooches as well. I can't stand the girls that come drink all your premium alcohol and leave.. This is why I tend to keep mine out of sight when these bitches flock through. There are also the ones that don't throw down until you threaten their life, but we don't see him all that often so it's alright. He is by far the cheapest of them all.

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Pillow


I have a good friend who has been dating this girl, Franzia, very roughly for a while now. [she has been deemed Franzia after he purchased her the box full of vinegar piss for her birthday]. Lets just call him Pillow to be simple.. it represents how soft he is and how easily he goes back to girls even though they clearly suck. Is it fair to say that he doesn't have the best of luck with girls.. yes, I really want to spare him. I feel obligated as a friend that he can do better than her. I don't really find her that attractive and since she goes to the beloved Miami University Ohio she just already has this target up. She says her friends hate him, she deletes his wall posts on facebook.. claims there are no other guys.. what is there to hide? This sounds like my boy is getting the typical Miami Oxford treatment. Like I don't know if you're friends don't like the Pillow I don't think many of the guys here like you either? I also couldn't help, but notice my minifeed on facebook getting fucking blown up by this girl about how he's no good and how he's too far away. I guess things change for Miami girls all the time.. kinda like which kissy face to preform with which angle to hold up the peace sign. One day she makes him out to be the greatest guy in the world, the next she is comparable to a bum overlooking him as shit stained underwear while weaving through a dumpster. She has single-handedly ruined many potentially awesome weekends here at Ohio State by putting the Pillow in a bad mood from 2 hours away. That is absurd nobody should be able to do that via text message. I'm trying to fix this problem, ladies look it I may have ripped on him a little here, but I know for sure my boy can do better I just have to find a better girl to throw at him that way we can resolve this issue. Look at the positive things going for Cincinnati Cliff now... I had to.. It is only a matter of time as much as he is gonna hate me for this I'm just helping a brother out.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

R Kelly Returns

Dude my buddy, Landfill, came down tonight to party with me from 7 fucking hours away. So we pregame for a few hours and eventually go to our friends party. We go to my friends' 21st birthday party down the street, as predicted her underage sister is blacked out and being belligerent as always. What else is new? Landfill becomes the guy that will carry her later if needed also known as the guy that will have to carry her. Eventually the party dies we leave we go to eat and we get a call practically right as we are leaving "Oh will you come carry my sister back"... FUCK! Head back Landfill goes in sure enough he goes to carry this sloppy bitch.. God I'm glad I wasn't elected. Sure enough first question he asks "what is wet?"..

Yes, that is correct the bitch pissed herself and was putting it all over him.. golden shower? Somewhat.. We needed a bottle of urine gone, and yes, with enzyme action. The issue is it wasn't really announced that it was officially piss until say 3/4ths of the trip back...

If it was me I would have killed someone. It gets worse though. At this point she announces she may try to R Kelly him again! Are we serious? This could only remind me of one thing.

God it was awful. The next morning there was no "I'm sorry" or anything. Wow, I don't know what to say.

Friday, May 1, 2009

The Swine

Swine Flu.. It is a pandemic. Not really, I looked at the symptoms and I think a lot of college students must get alcohol induced swine flu. Yes, the worst strand. It may cause beer shits and or vomiting. I most commonly suffer from swine ass. The actual symptoms are as followed: fever, lethargy, lack of appetite and coughing. Some people with swine flu also have reported runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.Someone at The Ohio State University Medical Center contracted the pig. Like really? The pig is spreading; I knew that border was going to bite us in the ass sooner or later. Regardless I think it's ridiculous that with all of the worlds doctors we can't stop motherfucking swine flu from killing people? This seems a little sad to me. The pollution in Mexico City however should be enough to kill you. I'm no tree hugger, but that place is a shit hole.I probably have swine flu as I sit here typing this and I don't even know it. I guess I'm not scared like the media wants me to be. If I was in Mexico City, then I would be worried, but Columbus fucking Ohio? Nah, I'll be safe from the deadly pig. Which makes me wonder how did this happen? It came from a combination of bird and pigs so someone must have fucked a pigbird? I don't know.. just something to think about.

Things that should work..

Do you have things that should work, but don't? This comes from the same family as "this is where it would be if we had it" when you are a store or something. Fucking irritating right? Nothing is worse than expensive things that should work, but don't. IPods.. I don't care what the reviews say they blow dick. They always fail you, freeze show something really gay on the screen or hold a battery for 5 minutes. The dryer at my house, it is supposed to dry clothes hence the name "dryer", but it doesn't dry them at all. Not to mention since my landlord is a bitch we have the thing on quarters so I have to pay for it not to dry my clothes.. Buy my own right? Yes, we tried that, but the bitch said we couldn't so now we have this issue where I plan on giving her an earful about. My phone, dude AT&T is awful fewest dropped calls? The other networks must have dropped calls every 5 seconds then, because I can't seem to ever get service. The cable, no matter what I do to the connection it will always distort every now and then. The most irritating of all has to be the internet though. I it happens all the time, virtually every fucking day. Time Warner Cable sucks a cock with service too.

Another Saturday Wasted

Okay, it goes like this.. you can't just not go, because if you could that's exactly what you would do, but you can't. What am I talking about? A girls 21st birthday party the guest list.. sausage, bacon, dick, ham, cock, sweaty balls, meat heads, swamp ass, most likely that one indian guy that smells bad enough for the entire party.. you get the point. Now I love this girl to death she is one of my good friends, but good lord the girls that she is friends with... the one will probably bring a fleet of pigs to accompany her bulbous ass. She probably already asked if her eating team can come. Her other friends, who's faces happen to resemble my ass, are very nice, but it's just like yeah that only can do so much. I want at least something to look at during my time at this shitty party, I guess that's what posters are for.. yes, there will be so much cock there it's even being hosted by a guys house. Since it's not in her domain I feel like even more of an outcast than before. There will probably be guys from Oxford that are willing to make the drive to show off their new haircuts. The storm is coming and hopefully I'm sober enough not to challenge the fat bitch to an eating contest.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Song

Every group of friends seem to have that one song that is just hands down "the song". In my circle the song happens to be "Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money featuring Ronnie Spector. You can't sit there and tell me it isn't an awesome song. What is scarier is that the video is better. I know, I didn't think it was possible as well. If you haven't seen it I have it provided:

First off the ladder is just great haha how can you not like that? Is Ronnie not sexy too? She is so old, but I don't know? Yeah I'm prolly pushing it.. Money's shades obviously badass and the shirt.. do you not want it? Money has mad skill swinging the mic around as well, but notice at 2:24 Money goes air guitar on the saxophone, but it gets better between 2:35 and 2:40.. Those are the greatest 5 seconds in music video history. Raising the sax in the air is key to the video he does it like 5 more times in the end of the video, but the song is awesome overall. If you are ever at a bar in Columbus, Ohio and this song comes on and a bunch of people start singing most likely I'm at that table and one of us paid a dollar to put it on.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Miami University... Ohio?

Yes, that's right if you're not from Ohio or a neighboring state of Ohio chances are you prolly don't care or don't know too much about this want to be ivy league school. All the girls suck don't ever date one I've made the mistake multiple times. These girls are the worst, they look like they will have potential and are somewhat promising, but no. After examining the situation it's just a fountain of fake bitches, sluts, and drama. These are the same girls that pose with the peace sign and "kissy face" in pictures. There is a reason they went there.. they want to be with the "my new haircut" type guy or this guy:

This is their ideal guy.. so unless this fagget happens to be you (lets pray to god it isn't) chances are they won't want you around for that long, or this is your competition.. Ask yourself would you want to touch any girl that would be with a guy like this? You think I'm just gonna let them off with one picture? Hell no.

Pictures do really say a thousand words. I can sum it up in one, douchebags.

Notice the bitch giving the "kissy face"... Anyways, I've never heard any of my friend who have dated a Miami Ohio girl say they they got anything positive out of it. The usual response is "she was being a complete cunt and I never date a Miami bitch again." I about forgot to say these bitches also happen to think they think they are better than everyone else as well (refer to "The Number"). It's like you go to Miami.. of fucking OHIO this is not "The U" okay shut the fuck up. I don't think I've ever had an enjoyable experience in the shitty town of Oxford, Ohio.. In fact, every time I've been there something bad has happened. The place hates me, I hate them more.. so fuck them and their sluts, their meatheads, with all the same haircuts. If you ever find yourself in Oxford, Ohio just get two fuckin Heinekens at the bar and you'll fit right in.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Fellas

I know what you are thinking when you are on Facebook... Don't use it to talk to girls. Facebook Chat.. Let's think about this now. It has fucked me many times, you know what I'm talking about. The "Sending..." and it doesn't send it till about 10 minutes later in the conversation and you just look like a total douchebag OR it will send it twice so you will look twice as gay. I don't care who you are if you use Facebook Chat it will make you look like a douche. If you must, ask immediately "do you have AIM?" You never know what way your 5 minute ago sent will impact the convo, it could fuck you in ways not yet conceived by mankind. Facebook Chat is like signing yourself up to be a star role in a gay porn.. I mean nothing good will come out of it. I thought T9 was dangerous, but the first time I was bent over by Facebook Chat holy shit I apologize for ever leaving T9. I can't even imagine myself on Facebook Chat hammered drunk.. god it must be terrible. Then there is the "this person is no longer online" or the "error" please tell me why there is always an error at the worst times? Facebook has gone down the shitter since they have switched it like 6 times now. Just save yourself a lot of pain and stand clear of this.

Ahh Yes

It probably isn't a secret to those that know me that I am not really a "pimp" or a "player", but I like to talk to a few girls to test the water see if any have potential (none do don't worry). For future reference I refer to possible girls as my "prospects"...I feel like the girls I do talk to know each other somehow though. Is it possible they have meetings I don't know say every week lists of ways on how to fuck with me, most irritating things to say, dumbest shit to do or who knows? Ladies you win. Am I an asshole?.. Yes, without question. Do I like to party? Yes, fucking get over it. Do I say offensive things? All the time. Do I say awful things when wasted? haha I'm sure you're smart enough to know the answer.. Moving on, girls that despise me...If I am irritating to be around don't come to my house, EVER! Do you see me at yours being a dumb bitch? That's what I thought. I can name a few girls I see come to my parties I don't like, but we aren't going down that road. I mean one even looks angry all the time lol? But I'll act nice until drunk most likely and then I'll probably say something. I seem to be on a roll lately with the drunk dials to people I'm pissed off at, always a fun morning I never recall what was said. Example: Girl text me the other night telling me about her awesome run in beer pong I respond.. Oh whats that you were voted most likely to open your legs tonight? This weekend was brutal for me I'm gonna try to lay low for a while hopefully, we can't be having that.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Why must you do this?


The new "fiercer" Lions logo... after an 0-16 season they have become more fierce? I'm sorry if anything they should have downgraded to something like the pussycats.. Why must you do this Detroit Lions? Instead of designing a better logo to lose with they should concentrate more on improving their team. I don't understand how a team can suck this bad in the NFL, there is a salary cap? If anything the Lions sign a guy every year who is unproven for a shit ton of money and they still suck. Don't get me wrong Calvin Johnson is an absolute stud, but he even said all he wants is to win. It's really sad, I don't know how anyone in Detroit goes to those games. If they take Stafford in the draft who is going to block for him? I mean I want to watch a decent game on Thanksgiving for once. Don't get me started on their D.. I'm pulling for them to at least get 3 wins next season I mean come on.

The Transformation

Ok now when I find myself getting busy with school or whatever a transformation takes place. I turn into who is in my opinion the grimiest fucker in the NBA. Who is the grimiest in the NBA? Rasheed Wallace should be your immediate first thought. For instance Rasheed Wallace was arrested at a Piggly Wiggly he attempt to use a coupon for 50 cents off Oscar Mayer bologna that had expired the day before. He became enraged obviously, jumped on a register and began throwing shit from it.. at one point he had taken a plastic butter knife to a customers neck... Anyways this guy is so grimy, observe:

My beard is becoming like this, I'm craving fried chicken, next thing you know I'll be attacking people with plastic butter knives. I feel like this Rasheed Wallace transformation is my version of the Thriller music video. Thank God it's an off day and I can rid myself of this.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Cock Blockade

Now there is being a cock block and then there is taking it to epic levels. Yes, you are catching on it is known to me as a "cock blockade". It was preformed on a good friend of mine recently I offered to help him out, but he declined respectfully. If we were to look at this particular cock blockade to historic blockades it may rank with I don't know.. the Spartan Blockade of Athens or maybe the Ottoman blockade of Constantinople. It pained me to watch this, in fact it was ruining my night. It wasn't even me getting blocked, but it was very apparent he was getting fucked. Now this girl knew exactly what was going on and she could have been like no I came to see this guy I'm gonna respect that and not be a hoe and fall for this shit, but we don't live in a perfect world now do we? Like does she not know this other guys past history of blockades? I mean I hear this isn't the first time he has thrown one up. My buddy would have needed to be Moses parting the sea to get around this shit it was unreal.. CONSTANT! It's like dude she didn't come to see you and you are staying at his house at least respect that right? He was using the Barney method to seduce her. Most likely dropping lines from Twilight and discussing which High School Musical 6 Character was her favorite. It was sickening. The stories must have been like straight out of Chicken Soup for the Soul... which one? I don't fucking know he probably went with the original or maybe like the dog lovers edition. My buddy had no chance he was being reamed in epic fashion. Worst part is was she was leading him on too like God could you possibly suck any more? So like every epic blockade the one who set it up wins.. What an epic douche.

The Number

First off there are a lot of these bitches out there. The girl that is a 7 (out of 10) but in her head thinks she is like a perfect 10 model. Regardless don't bother in trying to talk to this girl because holy shit you are not worthy. That's right fellas, but oh shit if she needs help oh my you are the man aren't you? I don't think so bitch. If we break this number phenomena down.. remove the makeup 7 goes to 6 maybe even a 5, but shes still too fucking good to talk to you even though you don't even want to get with her because you can't stand anyone who acts like Paris Hilton. I can't stand being around these bitches in fact I think I'm just going to start bringing an industrial sized case of Midol to parties now. Any bitch "too fucking good" just gets a bottle shoved in her mouth. I'll show up and all the guys will just be like "fuck finally some relief" and we would have to ration according to bitch with the biggest ego. Like here swallow 60 of these and come talk to us? Oh? What? What's that? It's not your period? Oh fuck well I really don't give a shit do it anyways. The beer bong may have to spring into action and be used as a Midol bong in some extreme circumstances... When some of my friends have slipped away and turned into this particular girl. It is sad, but I mean if you are just going to ignore your old friends and act like you are the fucking master bitch of the universe that's fine, but it's probably at this point where you will be told you know what you're not that hot. Let us take time for this to sink in I know this is a new concept for you to think about and since you're not that hot you can't be a huge bitch all the time. I mean even if you are that hot you shouldn't be, but who fucking cares that isn't the point. If you aren't willing to accept this start buying the ShamPon from the makers of the ShamWow. If you are willing to accept that you have been a huge cunt then get the sand out of your vag and move on.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Fat Bitches

If there is anything that I hate its fat and ugly bitches. Huge Bitches that don't need these fries
They are the nastiest people, literally and physically. Maybe because the only guys they fuck are like 40 if they do get any dick, but who knows? Their attire is always appalling its as if they want you to know they are fat and trying to mimic a beluga whale with their fat rolls barreling out of their 12 sizes too small shirt. [pause for vomiting].. Next we have the makeup, the worst with this is the goth/punk fat bitch who has like the Marilyn Manson war paint type deal with the black dyed hair or whatever stupid fuckin color they think is the most hardcore. This particular fat bitch always comes with tattoos and piercings on the saggiest parts of the body its like 90 woman getting ink done. But moving on I can't stomach that that species of fat bitch any longer... new fat bitch topics..Oh shit going to the beach and getting your time ruined by that massive human beach ball looking fat bitch who of course is daring enough to try and pull off a two piece.. why? like seriously why do you bother? You are taking up enough sand for a family of 4. Continuing on.. "The Golden Corral" bitch typically fighting her way to the front of lines fighting for food filling multiple plates to reduce trips and exercise. She takes up several chairs and is covered in chicken grease and other food particles. It is a sickening sight, I tend to avoid these buffets if I see some of these pigs through the windows. And of course the bitch we all know and hate.. the stuck up fat bitch that think she is Gods' gift to the world. Her attitude is fucking awful nothing can describe it. Verbal diarrhea is spread everywhere and she acts like fucking Paris Hilton. Then lastly we have the know it all fat bitch. This bitch thinks she knows everything and is so smart, but if she did wouldn't she know proper diet? If you are this bitch shut the fuck up. There are many more, fat bitches evolve into more disturbing creatures I'm sure I'll cover them in the near future.

Scouting, Deciding, the Battle and the Aftermath

Scouting:
When you are out in public scouting a place to take a shit you might want to consider these tips and suggestions... You probably know the prime locations in your area. I usually hate shitting in fast food restaurants because lets face it, it's only a step up from a gas stations' shitter. Grocery stores.. not bad, but in Columbus it depends where you are talking about. If you are going to shit at the Giant Eagle on 5th you are probably safe, but if you are going to Kroghetto then I suggest you relocate your ass. Consider for a second who shits in Kroghetto... bums, bums who's ass crust covers the seat like a film. If there is an Applebee's close by go there they usually have exquisite shitting facilities. If you're at a stadium you are fucked there is prolly shit and piss all over the floors and walls of the bathrooms.. it's last resort in fact you might be better off finding a nice wooded area instead. Shitting on campus.. I for whatever reason tend to go to the highest point of the buildings and shit on the top floor or find more discrete/hidden bathroom. There are advantages and disadvantages of the top floor.

Advantages:
1. Most likely less dumps are taken there and since you have to work your way to get there hopefully you will be rewarded with a clean pot
2. You would imagine that the top floor bathrooms are cleaned as often as the bottom giving you a better chance at a more enjoyable dump
3. Less traffic=less chance of getting crabs
4. There are usually less people on the top floor giving you more privacy than what a first floor shitter has to offer

Disadvantages:
1. If someone has to shit on the top floor most likely it is a mammoth so select your stall wisely
2. The janitors might be lazy and say "fuck that, it looks clean"
3. There are more people like me who think dumping on the top floor is the safe haven of shitting in public places

Deciding:
After you have selected your bathroom a pivotal decision is which stall? The first stall is risky due to the fact that if they are in a rush to shit it might be the quickest point although this fact always runs through there mind as well so they might pinch their ass cheeks together one more stall to make it into stall two. Stall two isn't that much better if you get sandwiched in between two people shitting so although it is away from the urinals it has its own flaws. Then of course the Cadillac of shitters.. the handicap stall. Don't even act like you haven't shit in it before you greedy bastard, we all have, but I tend to stay clear of it. I mean think about it I don't want to be in that situation where a handicap person needs to shit and I'm shitting in their stall. That might be the biggest asshole move ever although I would technically be warming it up for them, but if they were in a mad rush I don't think I could wipe in time with that shitty toilet paper. You can never get a solid wipe unless you use an entire roll. Which brings you to another issue: do they all have enough t.p.?.. If so decide on a gamble which seat looks the cleanest or in some cases which seat lacks shit stains on it.

The Battle:
So there you are and yes you are armed with that shitty toilet paper. You have to use it to pad the seat regardless how "clean" it is because anything that provides a layer makes me feel slightly better. Then the battle begins.. I don't know about any of you, but I consider myself out of the human realm when it comes to shitting now maybe I would compare myself to like small horses. But anyways, you're in there confined into this prison they call a stall, the toilet paper holder is usually conveniently in the area where you need to put your leg so you are tilted to whichever side it's forcing you to. For whatever reason it always seems that the temperature in the bathrooms always seems to rise whenever you hit the pot. Perhaps the temperature change is in your mind and you are nervous and you just want to get the fuck out of there who knows, but you always end up sweating. Another thing that happens is that you become pissed off.. you aren't in a good mood now you're shitting in what is like a third world country. You go to wipe and the paper isn't making you any happier, pieces are getting stuck to your ass, you aren't getting good clean wipes, you find yourself using the entire roll and you find your ass irritated. The battle is over you are almost in the clear.

The Aftermath:
The worst is the aftermath, seeing people in the bathroom after you're done shitting. You try to act normal, but you know they are judging you like "looks like that guy really did work in there". I try to give the impression that I am proud of my dump, I look them square in the eyes and give them the look that I just made the biggest dump ever. Don't let some fuckin' queer make you feel awkward or ashamed of your shit if it was magnificent. And finally when finished if it was an intense dump that induced sweating you need to wash up regroup and get on with the day. Good stuff.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Commercials...

Sometimes I make the mistake of leaving the television on with the remote across the room as I'm doing homework or typing a paper and it is like background noise. There are however several commercials that break my concentration:

Exhibit A: The Iron Pony Commercials... There is nothing worse than hearing "just get to the pony" or anything else said in that voice. Now lets take a second to watch.



That's just an example of the stupidity no wonder America is slipping.

Exhibit B: MLB 2K9
This one wasn't that bad at first until it was on literally every other commercial. I understand the game just came out, but good lord how many times can you show it.



Exhibit C: The Snuggie



If I ever saw someone wearing one of these at a ballgame I think I would probably punch them out. You know people are lazy when they can't adjust a blanket. As for the actors in the video, wow.


Exhibit D and E:
Vince with the ShamWow and Slapchop... some of the shit he says makes no sense. "fettuccine, linguine, bikini", "you're going to love my nuts", "there's your mildew that's gonna smell", and of course "this tuna looks boring, stop having a boring tuna stop having a boring life".





Exhibit F: Progressive Commercials.. any of them this woman is fucking like the gothic, spider-woman looking, just got out of the insane asylum talking bitch. Her name is fucking FLO! FLO! What the fuck is that? Try and tell me she's not irritating:



Exhibit G: Castrol Synthetic Motor Oil
God this is fucking irritating to hear over and over again.



Exhibit H: Finally Fast Dot Com
God help us.



Now the others I couldn't find, but the buyers auto dot com with Kirk Herbstreit... he must say it like 20 times in a 30 second commercial. Another one is the triple credit report dot com... "try to say it three times fast" FUCKKK! WHY? NOOOOO! it's so irritating and the one guy like fuckin sings it like he's getting his ass pounded yet enjoying it like thats what he yells out when he's having gay sex. BUT nothing is worse than the beep beep dot com commercial... holy shit I can't even begin to express my hate for it. It just gets louder and louder and faster like some sort of satanic chant "beep beep dot com, beep beep dot com, beep beep dot com" If you have seen any of these I know that you have to agree with me.

Ch ha chan changgg

If you live in the city you know what I'm referring to... yes the "homeless guys" that beg for change or in their street lingo "ch ha chan channgg" At Ohio State there are plenty of these bums around asking college students for change... maybe they think we are nicer or what, but the fact is they probably make more money than us. But its beyond irritating each bum has like their own "thing" there is a rapping bum who went in hiding because apparently he's not a real bum, then you have the guy who is always saying "here comes hope", the guy that is "starving" even though he outweighs me (I'm 220 lbs) and of course the guy with that needs to "catch the bus". Now really these people piss me off because we all know that all they want is enough ch ha chan channgg to get themselves a few 40's and get wasted and most likely piss themselves. Its bad enough Columbus, Ohio isn't the best smelling of places between the water treatment plant and the landfill south of the city, but when I can smell a bum coming around a corner from 20 feet away there is an issue. Obama won so you're welfare checks are going to go up so don't worry you can afford you're new Jordan's or $70 Sean Jean shirt. The worst is when I'm out a lady friend and you are being like harassed about change it's like dude bum stop trying to cock block me and stop creeping out my girl. I'm sick of living in the fucking ghetto I'm stuck here because it is close to campus. I find myself avoiding the main streets as much as possible to avoid dealing with these bums and their awful stench. So please to all the fake bums spread the word and have your buddies go to a local pool/gym and at least shower.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

You have to know at least one

If you're a guy there is always that one guy that separates himself from the group with what kind of ass he pulls. In my group of friends that isn't a good thing.. my friend, Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great, is a notorious slayer of fat bitches. It is well known that his hook ups seem to be exclusively with fat bitches, for a visual we are talking creatures that are around 180 to 200 lbs. He would be the star of "deadliest catch" on the discovery channel for he has a fat bitch homing device. Now don't get me wrong he is one of my good friends, but I don't understand why he just goes about plowing these big sloppy pigs. It is up in the air that he also may have a foot fetish its not confirmed, but I'm going to try to convince myself that it's not true regardless to the evidence implying he does. He is quite an awkward person and says very inappropriate and perverted things with girls around. Every girl I've had a chance with that he meets, I never hear from them again. But back to the bitches he has gone through.. lets see so many.. ah yes we will start with a girl he dated for about a year who looked like Shrek, I don't have to say much about this other than she looked like Shrek and nobody liked her. Another huge bitch he plowed at my friends house although he denies doing it even though my buddy walked in on him riding this full grown bull on the floor. Yes, alcohol was involved, but I don't give a shit how drunk or fucked up I am there is no way I'd ever touch that thing. Then he fucked this girl who looked like a celebrity look a like. You're probably thinking "good for him, he finally got a good one"... wrong. This bitch looked like fucking Gary Busey, if you don't know who Gary Busey is google him now and prepare a doggy bag to puke in. The sad part is that she was a fatter version of Gary Busey. The list goes on, but there are times where he brags about fucking these ugly ass bitches. I don't know how to break it to him, I've tried and it doesn't seem to sink in because it keeps happening. Although the most fucked up shit of all is that he has tried to call me out saying some of the girls I've been with are sluts or whatever. It's like really are we going to go down this road Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great? Although I do feel bad since he comes from a family of creepers, his father Mr. K-Ylenfeet is by far the creepiest/scariest man I've ever encountered in my life. Only time will tell if Sir K-Ylenfeet the Great starts banging decent looking girls, I'll be praying for him.

News

I can't watch the news anymore. I really made an effort to for a while, but when I want to see what the great Obama is going to do for the economy all I hear about is his NCAA bracket, what his first meal was on Air Force One, and how he plans to put a basketball court on the White House property... Ok great what is he doing for us? All I know is that he is granting bailouts and the companies getting bailed out are giving bonuses with that money. Are we serious? Obama scolded the companies that gave out bonuses. Oh my wow that's so intimidating, I mean really we couldn't have some guidelines to these bailouts? I heard one company used their bailout money to buy a Super Bowl ad. This is the CHANGE and HOPE everyone was looking for. As far as I'm concerned we have a pussy in office. I'm sure by now you can be smart enough to determine I voted for McCain. Even fucking Iran is calling Obama out on his message on "change" in which Obama took the pussy approach there as well. So I now get my news online. I can see why the newspapers are dropping like flies. If you want to watch the news and see how big Obama's first shit was in the White House and what he named it be my guest. You will be under a rock blinded by the cult and theory that Obama does no wrong.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

"Church People"

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of genuine church goers. Although people like Joyce Meyer (who my bitch "mother" idolized), Joel Osteen, and ect. They all preach the word of God and live in mansions... Doesn't anyone have an issue with that? Oh wait that's right people are stupid (such as my "mother") and don't realize they are being taken advantage of. Joyce Meyer lives a quite Church lifestyle with reported $23,000 commodes, S30,000 conference tables, and $11,219 French clocks and expensive houses for her and her family. She has 5 houses, the largest is 10,000 sq ft. on a 3 acre property fully equipt with everything you would want.. if not I'm sure the ministry would be glad to add it on. It sickens me that this bitch makes this much money saying things like "Individuals need to be willing to face truth about their attitudes, behaviors, even what we want out of life."... Yes, how about "Bitches that make money off of stupid people and live in five I don't know lets say 10 million dollar homes because of it need to go straight to hell, don't pass GO don't collect 200 dollars." For all of these cult like followers (my "mother") I question them.. do they approve of this? I mean if you are a church goer how can you support this bitch? I tried to talk to my "mother" about this a long time ago when I was on speaking terms with her, but God forbid if I question the great Joyce Meyer. She is a saint compared to me isn't she.. well I hope the bitch burns in hell like she deserves. I mean for those who don't go to church and you see this kind of shit is it not a huge turn off? I don't belong in a materialistic world with a bunch of fake "church people".

Moving

Moving sucks if you don't have a moving company. Recently, I helped my brother move into his new house. My brother had a team put together so there were 5 of us total. Well apparently in a group of 20-25 year old men you need to make sure everyone has thoroughly wiped their ass... one of my brothers friends who was helping him move must have forgot to wipe. This kid looked like he hadn't bathed in like 3 days to start, but when you're moving it's hard work so your expected to sweat. Well swamp ass is normal when moving, but in my brothers friends case it was different. His swamp ass rehydrated old crusty shit that had been there from the day before most likely. I can't put into words how bad this shit smelled. Not to mention he was wearing white gym shorts and it created a brown shit stain on them. The swamp ass and shit combo was unbearable while moving and lifting heavy objects. I kept getting screwed over into moving things with him.. every time there was a gust of wind I'd smell his shit pants. I wanted to say something, but what do you say? "Hey man you shit yourself, or hey dude you have shit on you, or did you shit your pants?" I couldn't decide the best case of action. Then while conversing he starts talking about his plans for that afternoon... "Yeah man I think I'm going to get laid tonight" as I sit and think to myself God man I really hope you wipe your ass or hope to god that girl has a shit smell fetish. This brought a debate later on between the rest of those who witnessed this if his condition would be considered a blumpkin. It was later ruled that it would just be considered a b.j. with shit in his pants. Regardless I've smelled some foul shit in my day, the worst smelling fart would be put to shame by what was on his ass that day. Bottom line though is if you are moving someone and one of the team members has shit on their ass.. you don't belong.

Luke Harangody Sucks... and basketball in general

Need I say more? I mean he has to have the gayest name ever... Harangody aldkfja;lsidjfi it's awful. Have you seen this guy? God he sucks I mean nothing could possibly be worse than losing to fucking Harangody... I mean am I the only one who thinks he sucks and will be a doormat in the NBA? Dwight Howard vs. Harangody.. think about it. I'm currently pissed off because I made a bet on the game tonight hoping UK would beat Harangody and Notre Dame, but obviously I should have never bet on the game because I always make bad bets because I have bias views of games I bet on which seems to be an issue of mine. I happen to be a fan of the UC Bearcats so betting in favor of UK just shows the hate I have for Harangody. UC beat ND 93-83 this year in the Big East and they swept Georgetown... Yes, UC did blow their chance to get into the NCAA tourney at the end of the season, but look it..ND and Georgetown both got into the NIT tourney at least and UC didn't? Is it because the fucking people picking the NIT just wanted to throw Harangodys' gay ass on TV some more? I bet on UK though tonight (speaking of basketball programs that have gone down the shitter) why? Because I think Harangody sucks, but in reality he's fatter than everyone else and just uses his fat body to throw up hook shots that magically go in. The game of basketball has always fascinated me as to how a team can suck.. I mean think about it there are only 5 guys on the floor if one of them is worth a shit and the others are just okay you'd think you would have a chance, but look at the Knicks last year. Basketball is a bullshit sport dominated by officials and faking fouls kind of like soccer, but I'm not even going to go down that road. I feel basketball is the most over hyped sport out there which is why guys who have never played from other countries who happen to be tall can shoot around for a month and then go into the NBA... point made.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Wendy's

I had a flashback the other day when my friend wanted to meet me at Wendy's to eat. Now I have always had issues with fast food places, like recentl McDonalds raised the price on he double cheeseburger, but Wendy's is in its' own league. It was my junior year in high school and I was on my way to see my friends play in the first round of the state basketball playoffs. My friend was driving and we were about to get on the highway to head down to the game in Cincinnati. It was at this point when I needed to take my medication so we stopped off right before the highway at Wendy's. We go to park because the drivers window didn't work in his car so I hop out and then all of a sudden three white vans roll up in front of me, blocking my way to the door. The doors of the vans open and I thought Thanksgiving was about to start because 30 Amish people come out with the buckle hats and everything. I couldn't help, but think I didn't belong and since we were in a hurry to make the game I was pissed off. Then in anger I yell out "There ain't no way I'm waiting on 30 Amish people t get a fuckin' drink!"... Then they looked over at me. I got in the car because I didn't want to get a reaction because God knows if the Amish are hostile. So we went elsewhere, but I mean give me a break since when do the Amish go to Wendy's? That was the most bizarre thing. Since that experience I haven't been the biggest fan of Wendy's.

Basketball

One of the most basic sports you can play is basketball the concept of getting the ball in the hoop doesn't seem so hard, but to some it is a mighty challenge. I mean it amazes me that professional basketball players that make millions of dollars can't shoot well from the free throw line, example: Shaq. Whenever I go play a pick up game there is always the one guy on the team that just flat out sucks, for whatever reason I am always paired up on this guys team... If that's you then please stop playing in pick up games... nobody cares that you were an intramural all star back in the day because obviously those days are over. Where I play it is somewhat competitive, but the other day I was on a team with a kid that would take every shot and usually miss the hoop by 3 ft each time. During the game my team was down by 5 (we play to 12 by 1's and 2's so we were being dominated... I wonder why?) and this kid puts up a shot that goes over the top of the backboard... at this point I had given my all to the team, but I just couldn't play with this fool anymore. After the shot I just left the game without saying anything and walked out of the gym door I obviously am not as accepting of that type of shittiness as everyone else. I can stand a few air balls, but shooting the ball over the entire backboard is by no means acceptable. I'm not even going to go into detail about his defense (there offense was give the ball to the guy the shitty kid was guarding). I couldn't help, but think I didn't belong.