Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Roid Rage

I went to Cici's Pizza the other day to eat with my brother. Everyone in the place was enjoying themselves until a roided out douche came in and started carrying on at the register. Apparently he purchased the buffet and though he was getting a pizza to go and he wanted his money back immediately... well they did give him his money back however roid head used a credit card. Any logical person who graduated preschool knows that the money will not be put back on his card right away. This was too much for this idiot to comprehend. Also while he's pissing and moaning he was also embarrassing himself because well he is the only one on the planet that doesn't understand how to order at Cici's. I felt bad for the girl at the counter... it's like I fucking work at Cici's leave me alone you douche. I was hoping someone would distract him with a protein shake. What the fuck are you doing at Cici's anyways if your beat off sessions are to a bodybuilding magazine? These guys all dream about sucking off Arnold. The guy eventually left and took his pea sized nuts with him.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

These people...

You know those "friends" that only seem to want to do something when it's what they want to do or if they need you for something? Yes, as of late I've been weeding through this brand of douchebag. There is one in particular who stands out. He used to be my roommate, but now he's just a fucking douche that only seems to want to hang out if he hears through the grapevine I'm doing something he is interested in. It's hard to imagine that one of my "best friends" never invites me to any concerts or anything. If it comes to me helping him with his job then he calls me every single day asking me when I'm available... weird? Another brand of "friend" is the one that has become a total slut. One girl in particular stands out. She is nice, but a complete skank and I have even come up with sex acts honoring her widely spread legs. She enjoys likes to fuck black dudes, Mexicans and the occasional white guy. Right now her penis of choice is Mexican. She used to be very innocent, but now she does all kinds of sick shit like taking it up the ass. Since she has pissed me off lately me and another one of my friends came up with the "Mexican Vacation". What is this Mexican vacation you ask? So glad you asked. It involves a Mexican using the ingredients of Chipotle to pour in your asshole... after that he enters the ass with his dick, he sleeps in that position over night and the next morning he consumes what was in her asshole for breakfast. Then there is this acquaintance that you know from several years ago who is married and a huge fat bitch to all your friends in another city. She just ruins everyone's good time by being the biggest (literally) bitch ever. She hasn't talked to you in years and suddenly texts you for being friends with someone she doesn't like? Bitch, I don't care. I don't care if you don't like my friends because they have fucking replaced your repulsive ass. I also don't give a shit that they think you're disgusting because it is a fact. Remember when you used to look decent? Yeah that was like 10 years ago and the signs of a future diagnosis of rhinoitis were apparent then as well. I feel like you can eat 5 times more than me by now. You're the kind of person that thinks they can suddenly show up again and be cool. Well you're not, in fact you are fucking disgusting and the mere thought of you induces vomiting. Next... There is also the friend that you feel bad for because they got dumped by a guy that looked like a bulimic Brett Michaels. I've never met the guy, but he dated my friend for 5 months and never had sex with her... Fag? The poor girl was throwing herself at him like basically saying for the love of God fuck me. She even went so far that she was like "I wish I dated a guy that likes to penetrate girls". I thought this was supposed to be the other way around? What a complete douche.

Monday, January 30, 2012

The Re-hydration Theory

I know a kid that smells awful. I would rather do lines of mulch then smell him. Ass smell wouldn't give his odor justice. His friend who lived with him for a year told several sources he would fake shower. So, he goes into the bathroom, turns on the water and comes out completely dry. One day I went to help move a mutual friend of ours. This kid was wearing white gym shorts... yes, it was the middle of summer and very hot. Naturally anyone moving heavy furniture is going to smell some, but this was unbearable. You're moving a couch with him and it was like you were huffing asshole, dead skunk, sewage and nuclear waste. In fact I had to move three items in a row with him. I was at my breaking point. I faked injury to avoid moving any more stuff with him. While I was sitting down for a bit he walked by and I noticed his shorts had a huge spot on them. A brown spot... thus the re-hydration theory was born. It was as if his swamp ass had revived old crusty shit in his ass crack, re-hydrating the shit and giving off the most pungent smell I have ever come across in my lifetime. I don't know how anyone can smell this bad. It gets worse though... after the move was completed we were all resting and he had the audacity to tell the group about all the pussy he was getting. It's like okay bro, sure. Every story seems to be the same too. "Yeah I was out at the bar and I looked over saw this girl she was an 11 out of 10 aaannnndd I fucked her." So you're sitting there like okay how was it? There were never any details, just "I fucked her"... I'm sorry there is nobody on this planet that would fuck this kid with his awful zits pussing, horrible ass smell, and brown feet that were also repulsive in every way imaginable. It is in my opinion that even a hooker would turn him down. Hands down worst smell ever.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Inflation

I have a friend that likes to exaggerate stories of his tale as well as make stories up, sometimes I find myself apart of these make believe stories.. and I just go along with it because I've stopped caring or I try to add something in to catch him off guard. Anyways, every time he goes out of town he apparently gets pussy by the masses. Once he leaves the tri-state (OH,KY,IN) area he becomes the greatest pimp ever to walk the earth, in fact I think he must play "Name that Pussy" with his fellow pimps. Yes, he holds the high score as well. My friend reminds me of Farva only unable to grow the facial hair. What's Farva without his mustache? Probably someone that inflates the amount of pussy they get.

Example 1: Farva claims to have been getting road head from one of his ex girlfriends during this time he hits a deer with his car (not going fast because apparently he was able to break in time?).. regardless he hits a deer and there is no damage to the vehicle and she doesn't bite his cock off and she finishes the b.j.

You decide...

Example 2: Farva goes to Florida and apparently gets a call from his cousins to meet up with him because they have 3 girls, 2 of which are twins. Farva apparently gets drunk with them and has sexual intercourse with one of the twins. Although the story was originally they were already drunk at the time.

I'm wondering if it was the twins from the Coors Light commercials they used to have? The girls ages were 25, 21 and 21... how fitting for Farva being that he is 21. his cousins are like in their 30's, yet they all managed to get laid?

Example 3: Farva claims to have been laid in Arizona when he went out in the summer for like a week (he wasn't even 21 at the time and had an awful fake I.D.). I guess the guy he was with happened to know everyone though?

Example 4: Recently he fingered and ate out a girl who is like fucking 18. She was Landfills' girlfriends' friend... he claimed to have "fucked the shit out of her", yet when the report from Landfill came in that wasn't the case at all, in fact he ate and got nothing... weak.

I'm not trying to say I'm some sort of player myself, but I don't sit here and make up what I did last night. In fact I'm going to tell my own Farva story, only starting it truthfully.

Last night I managed to get a number "jessica f".. I called it as I left the bar at 2:12a.m. there was naturally no answer. STOP resume from this point on a Farva story... GO: So she called my back right? I'm home by now so I get in my car drunk as fuck and I pick her up and she's giving me road head and I'm just running people over like Donte Stallworth. So then I notice I'm getting pulled over, but she isn't done, but she's still going and the cop lets her finish. Turns out the cop is my cousin and we go back to his place and these twins show up and I end up having a threesome with one of the twins and jessica f.

That is the best way I can describe a Farva story to you. The stories apply to other things other than pussy though. If we are around a bunch of people he makes up stories (sometimes I find myself in the made up stories), but I just don't care. He is always some sort of hero or something fucking rediculous.. no matter what he benefits from the fake story. Every time I try to call him out on it he has brilliant saves like "you weren't there for that part" or something stupid and these people really believe him.. it's fucking irritating if you could imagine. I have a new way to combat it however, adding to the story. I try to catch him off guard by adding fucked up twists. It's gotten out of hand though now I am going to start being extra fucked up... like "yeah and then you found that used tampon in your wallet". Only time will tell my friends, hopefully he learns.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

To be or not to be... McNaired?

Alright as a loose definition "McNaired" (referring to recently murdered quarterback Steve Mcnair who was shot by his mistress 4 times before taking her own life)...

McNaired (verb): to be murdered by a psycho bitch and while you are drunk/sleeping or not suspecting her from killing you

Just recently boxer Arturo Gatti was also found McNaired when his crazy bitch strangled him with her purse strap while he was drunk. As if bitches weren't crazy enough now we can't even have a few drinks without worrying about them killing us? I mean what is going on here? Athletes bring your body guards around at all times because you don't know what these bitches are going to do. Like David Wright... I would watch out Erin Andrews is probably not the best girl to be dating right now. I mean she's probably pissed about that tape of her naked floating around the internet and is looking to fuckin' McNair someone. David Wright get out as a precaution, the Mets need you, they suck already we don't need you getting McNaired. I'm even having nightmares myself of getting McNaired. Crazy bitches surround us in this world on my birthday I was especially afraid of being McNaired, just by looking at the list of bitches that were coming... going down it.. crazy, crazy, definitely killing me, the only reason she would come is to McNair me, just released from the psych ward... the news came out that Gatti was McNaired on my birthday which didn't help my situation. Obviously I'm still living, but I created a pact to make sure I lived. The girl I thought was going to McNair me texts me the next morning when I woke up just as I had walked upstairs to lay on the couch. The text read: "Are you still alive?". She obviously isn't done with me. I've spoken to her a few more times since then. It's strange, my friends believe I'm just asking for it. I came across a discovery though while discussing with others.. McNair and Gatti were both drunk at the time. I have come to the point where I'm sick of waiting around and wondering if it's going to happen or not as well. One of my friends advised me to just get drunk and fall asleep on the couch and if I wake I am meant to live. That night is tomorrow night... look for more posts.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

KFC... Again

KFC I ripped you on your gay ass advertising campaign regarding grilled chicken not that long ago. I also mentioned in there how you claimed that 10 dollar buckets were like an awesome deal and shit.. well now you have new ads out and I want to give you credit for them. They are trying to compete with the 5 dollar subs... they make a point that the chips and drink are extra, now I don't know what is in the box at KFC, but it sure beats them advertising 10 dollar meals... Plus we all hate Subway's fuckin' ads example:

Everyone in this is high on cocaine as far as I'm concerned. Why the fuck is the one bitch in the commercial if she doesn't know the song?.. Give someone else a chance. The people at KFC aren't pushing gayness on us either with a song so I respect them for that as well. However they do have that really gay ad and I'm not sure if it has been pulled or not, but I blogged about it last time...

So gay.. enough said. Anyways if you see the new KFC with their 5 Dollar Box they came out with I'm proud of them.

Friday, July 17, 2009

"WπC2"

I was kicked out of a bar probably because I had won a "free happy hour" at McFaddens. Although I guess when you go up to the table and ask for more drink tickets they say no because you have half a drink in your hand? My response, naturally drunk: "are you fucking serious?" So apparently she signaled to have me kicked out, but I was already pissed off enough.. so I just walked out and I asked the bouncer if its a new thing for them to kick people out over half drinks now? He didn't really know what to say.. obviously... The bitch marked my hand "WπC2" what the fuck does that even mean? Alright everyone else I saw had just a regular "W".. so at the beginning of the night the bitch had it in for me. I mean all I could ask was "really?".."really?" It's like bye "WπC2" you're a bitch. McFaddens I've always hated that place, I don't plan on going there any more. I went because I was supposed to drink for free, but instead I just dealt with assholes and bitches.